In a couple of weeks it will be three years since Jon died...where the hell did all that time go?
Can't say life has been or is easy...in fact in some ways it has got worse.
I still miss him beyond words, he is still the first thing I think about when I wake up and last thing I think about when I go to bed, think it will always be that way.
I go over in my head everything that was "us" from the day we met until the day we parted.....I wouldn't miss any of it. In saying that, I would leave out the part that bloody cancer decided to raise it's ugly head.
I know that I have let him down since he passed away, he wanted me to carry on with life and not stay alone. Can't find a way to carry on.....don't want to find "a replacement" it wouldn't be fair anyway.....no one could ever come near how I felt/feel for Jon.
Funny how folk think that 3 years in, I should be sorted now and doing what needs to be done to carry on with life. Obviously they have never lost someone as close as Jon and I were, I really believe we were/are soul mates and that if there is an afterlife, we will be together then.
In some ways I envy people who can actually pick up their life again after they've taken some time out to deal with their loss.
My life revolves round my children and grandchildren now, it's a life that sometimes (quite a lot really) can be lonely and sometimes it can be tiring.
The loss of my lovely Tilly this year really upset me, my last link with Jon.....we picked her together and loved her together along with our first grey, Boss. So now, apart from myself, there is no longer a living link ( for me) with my darling....which makes me sad.
Christmas is on the horizon again, I go through the motions, partly enjoy it, mainly because of my grandchildren. Love them to bits :) I still love Christmas, but it's not the same as it used to be.
I wonder, how long will I feel like a ship drifting about in the water not going anywhere.
Is this it? Is this what happens when you lose the other half of you? And the big question is......how do you deal with it?
If you have the answer please leave it in the comment box below.............
Tuesday, 17 October 2017
Friday, 1 April 2016
Part 2......5. 17 months on...
Time has passed, it's a long 17 months since my darling Jon went away. I'm still so very hurt and sad, right now it seems in a different way....it's a deeper hurt, a deeper sadness, a deeper loss and a total emptiness inside my whole body.
Life goes on....it will get easier....time heals...blah blah blah....believe me, it bloody doesn't!! I wait expectantly for a day to come that the hurt will ease.......it hasn't come yet. I try not to "bore" people with how I'm feeling, they don't want to know the same old thing yet again. But I live with this "same old thing" day in day out. I'm supposed to be getting stronger as time goes on....I'm not....to get up each day and try to function is a huge effort. I'm not saying this for effect, it really is an effort, I talk about Jon as if he is still here...I guess people think I should stop that? I can't, he is part of my life and I won't apologise for keeping him in it. I don't want sympathy if I make a statement that I'm feeling sad or I cry, that's not what it's about. It's about people accepting that it's not a good minute, hour, day and letting me get through it by helping me. Helping by means of letting me talk about Jon and by them talking about Jon. I don't want him to be forgotten, the people who were his friends should talk about him, family should mention him from time to time, and remember the fun times. It won't hurt me it will make me happy that they cared enough to speak of him.
It's a whole new world of finding how to carry on without your other half, at least for me it is. I think Jon would have handled things much better if it had been the other way round. He was a no nonsense sort of guy, but behind that facade was a deeply caring, loving and kind man. He wasn't perfect by any means and he knew that, but he was perfect for me.
I miss every single thing about that man, from the slightly annoying things he did, to the wonderful, sometimes silly things that he did for me or anyone that needed something. I'm so very sad that he won't get to meet his new grandchild, he would have been delighted to have met and loved that little boy or girl. He loved his two other grandchildren, and when they said something funny or simply played with grandad it made him so happy and proud.
He was also right (I think) about there being nothing after death....I hung on to the hope that maybe just maybe there could be a "message" or SOMETHING that would show me he was still around somewhere out there.
So, every little thing that I try to hang onto is slowly disappearing and I'm left floating about trying to get my life in order. Do I have the energy or even the interest in sorting my life? Most days the answer is no....now and again I get a glimpse of the "old" me, but it's only a glimpse. So, 17 months on and life is.....well, just life.
Life goes on....it will get easier....time heals...blah blah blah....believe me, it bloody doesn't!! I wait expectantly for a day to come that the hurt will ease.......it hasn't come yet. I try not to "bore" people with how I'm feeling, they don't want to know the same old thing yet again. But I live with this "same old thing" day in day out. I'm supposed to be getting stronger as time goes on....I'm not....to get up each day and try to function is a huge effort. I'm not saying this for effect, it really is an effort, I talk about Jon as if he is still here...I guess people think I should stop that? I can't, he is part of my life and I won't apologise for keeping him in it. I don't want sympathy if I make a statement that I'm feeling sad or I cry, that's not what it's about. It's about people accepting that it's not a good minute, hour, day and letting me get through it by helping me. Helping by means of letting me talk about Jon and by them talking about Jon. I don't want him to be forgotten, the people who were his friends should talk about him, family should mention him from time to time, and remember the fun times. It won't hurt me it will make me happy that they cared enough to speak of him.
It's a whole new world of finding how to carry on without your other half, at least for me it is. I think Jon would have handled things much better if it had been the other way round. He was a no nonsense sort of guy, but behind that facade was a deeply caring, loving and kind man. He wasn't perfect by any means and he knew that, but he was perfect for me.
I miss every single thing about that man, from the slightly annoying things he did, to the wonderful, sometimes silly things that he did for me or anyone that needed something. I'm so very sad that he won't get to meet his new grandchild, he would have been delighted to have met and loved that little boy or girl. He loved his two other grandchildren, and when they said something funny or simply played with grandad it made him so happy and proud.
He was also right (I think) about there being nothing after death....I hung on to the hope that maybe just maybe there could be a "message" or SOMETHING that would show me he was still around somewhere out there.
So, every little thing that I try to hang onto is slowly disappearing and I'm left floating about trying to get my life in order. Do I have the energy or even the interest in sorting my life? Most days the answer is no....now and again I get a glimpse of the "old" me, but it's only a glimpse. So, 17 months on and life is.....well, just life.
Monday, 2 November 2015
Part 2......4. One Year On
A year has passed since the love of my life left this earth and took my heart with him.
How I have got this far without him physically by my side, I do not know.....it seems his presence is always with me keeping me going. I am a sceptic as regards folk who have passed away can still be near or even contact you from "the other side", I wish I could be sure this was true. It would be such a comfort if I could truly believe that my Jon could actually see me and be watching over me.
I doubt anyone could convince me that it is so, but I'm glad that it comforts some people when nothing else can.
This year has been for me, a year full of change....some wanted changes others not so welcome. Moving in with my daughter has brought me great happiness, even though I was a little unsure it would work.... ( I don't want to be a burden to her )I'm glad to say so far it is working wonderfully.
We are in the midst of trying to sell her house and buy a new one, this will be a fresh start for us both. Though it seems that I could be turning into a gypsy, this will be my third move in two years! It is something to look to the future for and that is what I have to do.
I still miss my darling so much, that will never ever change.... I still have days when I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, and there are days that seem a little brighter. I am now trying to look forward, this was so important to Jon, that I go forward and not stagnate in a state of self pity. For him I will give it a go, for him I will try to make some sort of life for myself until it's my turn to go to him.
This September, I have also lost my mother...my wonderful funny mum. I'm not sure I'm really dealing with that right now, it still seems unreal and I'm numb as regards any sort of feelings. I miss her and her funny little sayings, and her beautiful smile...I'm angry that she had to suffer so much in her last weeks. No one should have to suffer as she did.
The death of my mother brought home yet again that I didn't have my "rock" by my side, the man who helped me through so many hard times wasn't there. The man who could lift my spirits no matter what, wasn't there....
I wish that I could be a little more positive with my life right now, but everything still hurts so much. I often find myself questioning where I should be on the grieving scale, should I be further on than I am, or am I doing better than I think? I worry that people think I am beginning to live in the past....I can't forget about my darling Jon or my mother. Both of these people are so important in my life, even though they are no longer here with me. Not a day goes by without thoughts of Jon, I "talk" to him often and wonder what he would make of some of the decisions I have made. But I know he would tell me to do what's best for me and not worry about others.
I am now in the week that was so devastating for me last year, this year it is devastating in a different way. I have an overwhelming feeling that as time passes, I am getting further away from my darling Jon. I miss doing the mundane things for him. Like cutting his hair, even trimming his eyebrows, funny as this may sound it was normal everyday life. I miss being able to talk to him about what is happening in life, these things I did take for granted before he got ill.
It took me a good while to come to terms with Jon's diagnosis, which you will know if you have read previous blogs. I always thought that maybe, just maybe we would get more time together.....I guess you call that hope...
Well, hope was taken away from me last year and I had to deal with my total devastation at the loss of my wonderful man.
I don't remember much about the time after his death, at least the first week or so....but now I find myself reliving the few weeks before his death, particularly the hours just before he died. It goes around on a loop in my head.
Those hours before his death have strangely brought me comfort, we had said all there was to be said previously. So those hours were very special, they were the closest I have ever felt to my darling Jon. He was aware I was there and though he couldn't speak to me, he made it known that he knew what I was saying to him. And when he knew it was coming to his last breaths he took my hands and held them.
After this I couldn't let go of his hands for at least an hour, I sat with him for four hours or so after he left this world.
Maybe I shouldn't dwell on these things, maybe I should try and block them out? But I know deep in my heart, that would be wrong. Those hours are more than special to me, those hours help me carry on.
So, in four days time it will be one year on in my life without my darling. Time to get back on the life roundabout and start to make a forward move in my life. I can do this because my precious husband knew I could do it, and I promised him I would.
My funny, loving, precious and all caring husband Jon Roberts has left me with memories of a love and life I never thought I would be privileged to have.
I still miss you, every second of every hour of every day..........I always will my darling, night night xxxxx
How I have got this far without him physically by my side, I do not know.....it seems his presence is always with me keeping me going. I am a sceptic as regards folk who have passed away can still be near or even contact you from "the other side", I wish I could be sure this was true. It would be such a comfort if I could truly believe that my Jon could actually see me and be watching over me.
I doubt anyone could convince me that it is so, but I'm glad that it comforts some people when nothing else can.
This year has been for me, a year full of change....some wanted changes others not so welcome. Moving in with my daughter has brought me great happiness, even though I was a little unsure it would work.... ( I don't want to be a burden to her )I'm glad to say so far it is working wonderfully.
We are in the midst of trying to sell her house and buy a new one, this will be a fresh start for us both. Though it seems that I could be turning into a gypsy, this will be my third move in two years! It is something to look to the future for and that is what I have to do.
I still miss my darling so much, that will never ever change.... I still have days when I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, and there are days that seem a little brighter. I am now trying to look forward, this was so important to Jon, that I go forward and not stagnate in a state of self pity. For him I will give it a go, for him I will try to make some sort of life for myself until it's my turn to go to him.
This September, I have also lost my mother...my wonderful funny mum. I'm not sure I'm really dealing with that right now, it still seems unreal and I'm numb as regards any sort of feelings. I miss her and her funny little sayings, and her beautiful smile...I'm angry that she had to suffer so much in her last weeks. No one should have to suffer as she did.
The death of my mother brought home yet again that I didn't have my "rock" by my side, the man who helped me through so many hard times wasn't there. The man who could lift my spirits no matter what, wasn't there....
I wish that I could be a little more positive with my life right now, but everything still hurts so much. I often find myself questioning where I should be on the grieving scale, should I be further on than I am, or am I doing better than I think? I worry that people think I am beginning to live in the past....I can't forget about my darling Jon or my mother. Both of these people are so important in my life, even though they are no longer here with me. Not a day goes by without thoughts of Jon, I "talk" to him often and wonder what he would make of some of the decisions I have made. But I know he would tell me to do what's best for me and not worry about others.
I am now in the week that was so devastating for me last year, this year it is devastating in a different way. I have an overwhelming feeling that as time passes, I am getting further away from my darling Jon. I miss doing the mundane things for him. Like cutting his hair, even trimming his eyebrows, funny as this may sound it was normal everyday life. I miss being able to talk to him about what is happening in life, these things I did take for granted before he got ill.
It took me a good while to come to terms with Jon's diagnosis, which you will know if you have read previous blogs. I always thought that maybe, just maybe we would get more time together.....I guess you call that hope...
Well, hope was taken away from me last year and I had to deal with my total devastation at the loss of my wonderful man.
I don't remember much about the time after his death, at least the first week or so....but now I find myself reliving the few weeks before his death, particularly the hours just before he died. It goes around on a loop in my head.
Those hours before his death have strangely brought me comfort, we had said all there was to be said previously. So those hours were very special, they were the closest I have ever felt to my darling Jon. He was aware I was there and though he couldn't speak to me, he made it known that he knew what I was saying to him. And when he knew it was coming to his last breaths he took my hands and held them.
After this I couldn't let go of his hands for at least an hour, I sat with him for four hours or so after he left this world.
Maybe I shouldn't dwell on these things, maybe I should try and block them out? But I know deep in my heart, that would be wrong. Those hours are more than special to me, those hours help me carry on.
So, in four days time it will be one year on in my life without my darling. Time to get back on the life roundabout and start to make a forward move in my life. I can do this because my precious husband knew I could do it, and I promised him I would.
My funny, loving, precious and all caring husband Jon Roberts has left me with memories of a love and life I never thought I would be privileged to have.
I still miss you, every second of every hour of every day..........I always will my darling, night night xxxxx
Thursday, 6 August 2015
Part 2......3. August
Time is going by so quickly!!
The family and myself had the charity night in aid of the hospice at the end of June, it was our way of celebrating the life of a wonderful man, my man....
We raised over £1,500 and at the end of this month a further £1,000 will be added to that total :) My niece (as was) was kind enough to sponsor our charity night through her work, Barclaycard, and they added this further amount. So in total it was £2,500 raised for Jon's beloved hospice! He would be so proud to know this.
I celebrated Jon's birthday with a family tea party, birthday cake and all......why shouldn't we celebrate? I miss him more as each day passes.....I have conversations with him in my head, this is easy because for the most part I know exactly what he would say, we knew each other that well.
My health hasn't been so good of late and I've had to have some unpleasant examinations done at the hospital, it's times like this that I SO miss his support. He was the only person who could truly calm me down and help me get things into perspective, I miss that.
My daughter, Donna has become my rock these days, but I feel bad that I have to rely on her.....she has such a lot in life to deal with. Moving in with her has been a blessing, though at the beginning I wasn't sure how it would be.....she is the best daughter in the world and I will never be able to thank her enough.
My mother is seriously ill at this time and the family has been told she will not be coming out of hospital this time round. I'm not sure how I will react when the time comes to say goodbye to my darling mum....it's too soon to go through this again! I can see similar things happening to her as her health diminishes, things I saw in Jon. I can't tell you how much this hurts....my mother has been unwell for a good while now, Dementia being one of the lesser problems she has. But during Jon's illness, from somewhere she managed to be there for me...she couldn't DO a lot, bless her, but her words meant so much at times when I needed her.
How do you say goodbye to the person who bore you and brought you into this world? I am back to looking at the calendar wondering which dreadful day will take her away from me.
November 7th 2014 took my life, my love, my everything away from me.
October 5th 1996 took my wonderful father away from me.
Now there is a date waiting to take another piece of my heart away, just, I don't know it yet.
So the calendar is not my friend (I'm sure others feel the same) it's just time marching on and taking happiness along with it.
On a brighter note (yes there are some!) my youngest son David announced his engagement to the lovely Sarah. That brought me so much happiness :D They are a lovely couple and deserve the very best of futures in front of them. So the planning starts here, I'm sure there will be a few tears along the way, as there always is in these things, but I'm sure it will be fine in the end. I am back to finding a hat! and an outfit, though I do have a little time to consider these things :) Brighter times are coming!
Tilly my beautiful greyhound is still my devoted friend, she loved Jon and now she is my little bit of him, that I still have. She joined the Taylor household along with me and gained a friend in Harriet dog. They love to play and annoy each other lol, she would be lost without Harriet now. They bring me great joy and comfort when I need it.....they make me laugh when they start their cartoon high jinx with each other.
So that is where I'm at in this month of August.
The family and myself had the charity night in aid of the hospice at the end of June, it was our way of celebrating the life of a wonderful man, my man....
We raised over £1,500 and at the end of this month a further £1,000 will be added to that total :) My niece (as was) was kind enough to sponsor our charity night through her work, Barclaycard, and they added this further amount. So in total it was £2,500 raised for Jon's beloved hospice! He would be so proud to know this.
I celebrated Jon's birthday with a family tea party, birthday cake and all......why shouldn't we celebrate? I miss him more as each day passes.....I have conversations with him in my head, this is easy because for the most part I know exactly what he would say, we knew each other that well.
My health hasn't been so good of late and I've had to have some unpleasant examinations done at the hospital, it's times like this that I SO miss his support. He was the only person who could truly calm me down and help me get things into perspective, I miss that.
My daughter, Donna has become my rock these days, but I feel bad that I have to rely on her.....she has such a lot in life to deal with. Moving in with her has been a blessing, though at the beginning I wasn't sure how it would be.....she is the best daughter in the world and I will never be able to thank her enough.
My mother is seriously ill at this time and the family has been told she will not be coming out of hospital this time round. I'm not sure how I will react when the time comes to say goodbye to my darling mum....it's too soon to go through this again! I can see similar things happening to her as her health diminishes, things I saw in Jon. I can't tell you how much this hurts....my mother has been unwell for a good while now, Dementia being one of the lesser problems she has. But during Jon's illness, from somewhere she managed to be there for me...she couldn't DO a lot, bless her, but her words meant so much at times when I needed her.
How do you say goodbye to the person who bore you and brought you into this world? I am back to looking at the calendar wondering which dreadful day will take her away from me.
November 7th 2014 took my life, my love, my everything away from me.
October 5th 1996 took my wonderful father away from me.
Now there is a date waiting to take another piece of my heart away, just, I don't know it yet.
So the calendar is not my friend (I'm sure others feel the same) it's just time marching on and taking happiness along with it.
On a brighter note (yes there are some!) my youngest son David announced his engagement to the lovely Sarah. That brought me so much happiness :D They are a lovely couple and deserve the very best of futures in front of them. So the planning starts here, I'm sure there will be a few tears along the way, as there always is in these things, but I'm sure it will be fine in the end. I am back to finding a hat! and an outfit, though I do have a little time to consider these things :) Brighter times are coming!
Tilly my beautiful greyhound is still my devoted friend, she loved Jon and now she is my little bit of him, that I still have. She joined the Taylor household along with me and gained a friend in Harriet dog. They love to play and annoy each other lol, she would be lost without Harriet now. They bring me great joy and comfort when I need it.....they make me laugh when they start their cartoon high jinx with each other.
So that is where I'm at in this month of August.
Monday, 1 June 2015
Part 2.....2. Random Thoughts
I am now into the month of May and time is passing by, sometimes I wish it would pass quicker and I would be a day nearer to being with Jon. Now that is a thought that comes to mind at periods when things look bleaker than usual, Jon would be up in arms if he was here!
I'm trying to untangle a life for myself from this awful emptiness and the cold loneliness of not having my best friend by my side. It's difficult to put it mildly, I, like Jon, have to have a focus, an aim, or I flounder around getting nowhere. How do you find a focus when all that you had is gone?
One of the joys I have found recently is my little garden :) It is by garden standards very small, but it is enough for me right now. I have always loved flowers, and watching them grow and take on a beautiful new face each day through the growing process.
Jon used to buy me lovely cut flowers on a regular basis because he knew I loved them, I miss them. So I took myself off to the shop and bought myself a large bouquet, and it was the best thing I could have done. They reminded me of one of the best things to have happened in my life (Jon) and also brought a smile to my face for the same reason. I have decided I will do this on a regular basis from now on.
My feelings as time goes on are changing too, I miss my darling in a way I will never be able to put down in words. The "face" goes on most days, I don't want to come across as the "miserable widow" to everyone, I have alot to be thankful for. But there are days (and I think there will always be) when I just want to be alone and let the sadness in, I can deal with it then and let it pass. It is so hard trying to hide it when all I want to do is have a good cry or a rant or just generally have the space to think about my darling Jon.
The tears still come, only takes a song or a photo or a situation, and I'm done for.......but in general the long bouts of tears are having a longer space between them. I still get them, those days are dark and I go to bed hoping I wont wake in the morning, something I never thought would happen to me and something in a strange way I'm ashamed of. I shouldn't have thoughts like that, I'm "the strong one" but this "strong one" crumbles from time to time.
On better days I can now smile when I look at photos especially the ones before Jon became ill.....I can laugh at some of the situations we got ourselves into on holidays. We had a good life, a fun life, a life full of love and I will always have that and be able to remember that.
I am now into the month of June........not a month I'm looking forward to. You see, it's Jon's birthday month, his last birthday was quite traumatic in that he was so poorly. But we had a little party for him at the hospice, the family came and of course his beloved hounds. Jon always made an effort to join in the fun even though he was so poorly, he was a hero to me and all who came in contact with him.
This year will be the loneliest and saddest as he wont be here to celebrate.
Me and the family are having a charity night in his name the day before his birthday, hoping to raise lots of money for the hospice who looked after us so well. It's a focus, it will bring me up to his birthday, and hopefully if we can raise a fair amount then this birthday will not be quite so empty.
The "first" of everything that happens in a year is so so hard.... I had my first birthday without him last April, I miss him so much.
I miss him every second of every hour of every day and I can tell you the pain is not getting any easier.
I'm trying to untangle a life for myself from this awful emptiness and the cold loneliness of not having my best friend by my side. It's difficult to put it mildly, I, like Jon, have to have a focus, an aim, or I flounder around getting nowhere. How do you find a focus when all that you had is gone?
One of the joys I have found recently is my little garden :) It is by garden standards very small, but it is enough for me right now. I have always loved flowers, and watching them grow and take on a beautiful new face each day through the growing process.
Jon used to buy me lovely cut flowers on a regular basis because he knew I loved them, I miss them. So I took myself off to the shop and bought myself a large bouquet, and it was the best thing I could have done. They reminded me of one of the best things to have happened in my life (Jon) and also brought a smile to my face for the same reason. I have decided I will do this on a regular basis from now on.
My feelings as time goes on are changing too, I miss my darling in a way I will never be able to put down in words. The "face" goes on most days, I don't want to come across as the "miserable widow" to everyone, I have alot to be thankful for. But there are days (and I think there will always be) when I just want to be alone and let the sadness in, I can deal with it then and let it pass. It is so hard trying to hide it when all I want to do is have a good cry or a rant or just generally have the space to think about my darling Jon.
The tears still come, only takes a song or a photo or a situation, and I'm done for.......but in general the long bouts of tears are having a longer space between them. I still get them, those days are dark and I go to bed hoping I wont wake in the morning, something I never thought would happen to me and something in a strange way I'm ashamed of. I shouldn't have thoughts like that, I'm "the strong one" but this "strong one" crumbles from time to time.
On better days I can now smile when I look at photos especially the ones before Jon became ill.....I can laugh at some of the situations we got ourselves into on holidays. We had a good life, a fun life, a life full of love and I will always have that and be able to remember that.
I am now into the month of June........not a month I'm looking forward to. You see, it's Jon's birthday month, his last birthday was quite traumatic in that he was so poorly. But we had a little party for him at the hospice, the family came and of course his beloved hounds. Jon always made an effort to join in the fun even though he was so poorly, he was a hero to me and all who came in contact with him.
This year will be the loneliest and saddest as he wont be here to celebrate.
Me and the family are having a charity night in his name the day before his birthday, hoping to raise lots of money for the hospice who looked after us so well. It's a focus, it will bring me up to his birthday, and hopefully if we can raise a fair amount then this birthday will not be quite so empty.
The "first" of everything that happens in a year is so so hard.... I had my first birthday without him last April, I miss him so much.
I miss him every second of every hour of every day and I can tell you the pain is not getting any easier.
Monday, 30 March 2015
Part 2......1. Life Without Jon
I have decided to start a new section to my original blog A Carer's Journey Through Lung Cancer, this is about life without my darling Jon.
In the months following the death of my darling Jon, life has been pretty "shit" pardon my French! November came and went in a total blur of sadness and whirl of sorting everything out. To be honest I can't remember that much about it, other than the deep ache that took up residence in my heart.
December arrived with the daunting prospect of facing Christmas without my best friend, in fact if it had been cancelled I don't think I would have noticed.
I went through the motions, just as well I'd done it before! It really wasn't the same...waking up to Christmas day without the excitement on both our faces of what our gifts to each other would be. Could have been a pair of socks and I'd have still been SO excited!
Our usual bucks fizz in the morning, didn't bother, Christmas lunch wouldn't have happened if my son, his wife and our lovely grandchildren hadn't invited me to share it with them. They helped me through what would have seemed an endless day if I had been alone......there were smiles, those little terrors always manage to make me smile.
After Christmas came the wedding of my eldest son, I really wasn't sure I could do that, and if it wasn't for the encouragement from all of my children, I'm not sure I could have got through it. But I did :) and on the whole it was a lovely lovely day, just once or twice I felt the tears well up, wishing my darling was by my side.
New Year....... yeah right, I was REALLY looking forward to the start of this one....NOT! But another "first" was got through and life started to even out a little.
The thing that sticks out in my mind is, how hard it is to contemplate doing anything at all without my Jon. Things have a hollowness to them now, and the sadness continually creeps up on me when I least expect it. I try to fend it off but most times it doesn't work and I give in to it.....the tears flow and then I can pick myself up and carry on for a while longer.
I hadn't realised how much the last two years had taken out of me, I have found I am incredibly tired, seem to fall victim to any roaming bug that takes a fancy to attacking my system ( open house in Tina's blood stream lol) I guess that happens to anyone who has been through a similar experience.
So, I have recently moved in with my daughter, and though it's only been a couple of weeks it's been a good couple of weeks. So nice to have someone to chat with for a couple of hours in the evening, I found the loneliness of living alone very hard to deal with. So nice to have someone to listen when I have a wobble. And my gorgeous greyhound Tilly is finding that having Harriet dog for company is actually fun............most of the time lol.
So Tilly and me plus Harrie and Donna are starting out a new life together and with their help at some point life may regain some sort of meaning again.
Until then I have my memories, my precious photos and little items that Jon made for me at the hospice day care. Those small gifts bring me so much pleasure, and make me smile when I think of the way he would be after making them......covered in either paint or glitter :)
My love for my darling Jon will never ever fade, in fact funny as it sounds, I love him more and more as time passes. I have the time to remember the real thought that went into everything he did and said for me. We had/have a love that cannot be measured, I was/am so lucky to have known and loved such a wonderful man.....I will always love Jon Roberts and because of his courage and strength, I will get stronger, strong enough to carry on and make him proud.
In the months following the death of my darling Jon, life has been pretty "shit" pardon my French! November came and went in a total blur of sadness and whirl of sorting everything out. To be honest I can't remember that much about it, other than the deep ache that took up residence in my heart.
December arrived with the daunting prospect of facing Christmas without my best friend, in fact if it had been cancelled I don't think I would have noticed.
I went through the motions, just as well I'd done it before! It really wasn't the same...waking up to Christmas day without the excitement on both our faces of what our gifts to each other would be. Could have been a pair of socks and I'd have still been SO excited!
Our usual bucks fizz in the morning, didn't bother, Christmas lunch wouldn't have happened if my son, his wife and our lovely grandchildren hadn't invited me to share it with them. They helped me through what would have seemed an endless day if I had been alone......there were smiles, those little terrors always manage to make me smile.
After Christmas came the wedding of my eldest son, I really wasn't sure I could do that, and if it wasn't for the encouragement from all of my children, I'm not sure I could have got through it. But I did :) and on the whole it was a lovely lovely day, just once or twice I felt the tears well up, wishing my darling was by my side.
New Year....... yeah right, I was REALLY looking forward to the start of this one....NOT! But another "first" was got through and life started to even out a little.
The thing that sticks out in my mind is, how hard it is to contemplate doing anything at all without my Jon. Things have a hollowness to them now, and the sadness continually creeps up on me when I least expect it. I try to fend it off but most times it doesn't work and I give in to it.....the tears flow and then I can pick myself up and carry on for a while longer.
I hadn't realised how much the last two years had taken out of me, I have found I am incredibly tired, seem to fall victim to any roaming bug that takes a fancy to attacking my system ( open house in Tina's blood stream lol) I guess that happens to anyone who has been through a similar experience.
So, I have recently moved in with my daughter, and though it's only been a couple of weeks it's been a good couple of weeks. So nice to have someone to chat with for a couple of hours in the evening, I found the loneliness of living alone very hard to deal with. So nice to have someone to listen when I have a wobble. And my gorgeous greyhound Tilly is finding that having Harriet dog for company is actually fun............most of the time lol.
So Tilly and me plus Harrie and Donna are starting out a new life together and with their help at some point life may regain some sort of meaning again.
Until then I have my memories, my precious photos and little items that Jon made for me at the hospice day care. Those small gifts bring me so much pleasure, and make me smile when I think of the way he would be after making them......covered in either paint or glitter :)
My love for my darling Jon will never ever fade, in fact funny as it sounds, I love him more and more as time passes. I have the time to remember the real thought that went into everything he did and said for me. We had/have a love that cannot be measured, I was/am so lucky to have known and loved such a wonderful man.....I will always love Jon Roberts and because of his courage and strength, I will get stronger, strong enough to carry on and make him proud.
Sunday, 7 December 2014
28. The Last Goodbye
My darling Jon passed away on the 7th November 2014, and on the 19th November we had his funeral and said our last goodbye.
The days leading up to the funeral were harrowing for me, constantly shaking inside and virtually unable to function properly. The day of the funeral was almost too much to bear, I wasn't sure I would be able to go through with it. But my children were there right by my side and assured me I would get through it.
I remember the hearse arriving outside the house and the feeling of numbness that went through me....
The family got into the car and we set off for the last goodbye.
Arriving at the crematorium I was amazed at the numbers of people who had come to pay their last respects.
Out of respect for Jon's courage in facing lung cancer, the ladies wore pearls (if they had them) and the men wore the lung cancer ribbon with a pearl pin. Pearls are fast becoming the awareness sign for lung cancer.
There was standing room only inside the chapel.....the hospice chaplin took the service, which was lovely as he had come to know Jon during his time in the hospice. The service was all that Jon would have wanted, nothing too sombre.
My son Steve was brave enough to stand up and speak about Jon on behalf of the family.......I can't tell you how much that meant to me. He did very well and what he said was lovely, but his feelings got the better of him towards the end and his older brother had to go up and help him finish what he had to say.
I have to say that all the children did Jon proud, Jon's daughter Sarah and his son Jason....my children, Karl, Donna, Steve and David, made me so very proud and Jon would have been bursting with pride for all of them.
The boys and Jon's friend were pall bearers, that helped me so much, knowing he was being carried by people who loved him and cared for him,
It was a simple funeral that went along with Jon's wishes, he didn't want a huge fuss.
I had two songs Unbreakable (sung by my sons and a friend) and Swing Low Sweet Chariot, the first was a song for me and Jon, the second was for his love of rugby.
That was our last goodbye to a wonderful man, a man who had shown me the meaning of true love, kindness, courage and such bravery in the face of such a horrendous illness. I have been honoured to have had such a man in my life and to have been able to call him my husband, my soulmate.
It is a month today since my darling left me, he is at rest and I have to find the courage to carry on without him. That is the challenge I face, but I will face it with the same courage as my darling faced his illness.....he has showed me how to carry on when you feel everything is lost.
It will take everything I have to keep going, no one and I mean no one, can know how hard it is to face each day without him. The sadness that at times can be overwhelming and the loneliness that is ever present, even with people all around.
This was not my life plan....this was not Jon's life plan......but it is the plan we were dealt.
My Jon was my life, and I am so lucky to have had him with me for the time we had...he made me proud, he made me laugh, he made me complete.........and best of all? He Loved Me...........and I Loved Him....and I will always love him.
That love is and always will be Unbreakable!
The days leading up to the funeral were harrowing for me, constantly shaking inside and virtually unable to function properly. The day of the funeral was almost too much to bear, I wasn't sure I would be able to go through with it. But my children were there right by my side and assured me I would get through it.
I remember the hearse arriving outside the house and the feeling of numbness that went through me....
The family got into the car and we set off for the last goodbye.
Arriving at the crematorium I was amazed at the numbers of people who had come to pay their last respects.
Out of respect for Jon's courage in facing lung cancer, the ladies wore pearls (if they had them) and the men wore the lung cancer ribbon with a pearl pin. Pearls are fast becoming the awareness sign for lung cancer.
There was standing room only inside the chapel.....the hospice chaplin took the service, which was lovely as he had come to know Jon during his time in the hospice. The service was all that Jon would have wanted, nothing too sombre.
My son Steve was brave enough to stand up and speak about Jon on behalf of the family.......I can't tell you how much that meant to me. He did very well and what he said was lovely, but his feelings got the better of him towards the end and his older brother had to go up and help him finish what he had to say.
I have to say that all the children did Jon proud, Jon's daughter Sarah and his son Jason....my children, Karl, Donna, Steve and David, made me so very proud and Jon would have been bursting with pride for all of them.
The boys and Jon's friend were pall bearers, that helped me so much, knowing he was being carried by people who loved him and cared for him,
It was a simple funeral that went along with Jon's wishes, he didn't want a huge fuss.
I had two songs Unbreakable (sung by my sons and a friend) and Swing Low Sweet Chariot, the first was a song for me and Jon, the second was for his love of rugby.
That was our last goodbye to a wonderful man, a man who had shown me the meaning of true love, kindness, courage and such bravery in the face of such a horrendous illness. I have been honoured to have had such a man in my life and to have been able to call him my husband, my soulmate.
It is a month today since my darling left me, he is at rest and I have to find the courage to carry on without him. That is the challenge I face, but I will face it with the same courage as my darling faced his illness.....he has showed me how to carry on when you feel everything is lost.
It will take everything I have to keep going, no one and I mean no one, can know how hard it is to face each day without him. The sadness that at times can be overwhelming and the loneliness that is ever present, even with people all around.
This was not my life plan....this was not Jon's life plan......but it is the plan we were dealt.
My Jon was my life, and I am so lucky to have had him with me for the time we had...he made me proud, he made me laugh, he made me complete.........and best of all? He Loved Me...........and I Loved Him....and I will always love him.
That love is and always will be Unbreakable!
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