Second cycle side effects are now starting to kick in....not good! Jon is very flushed, very tired and his breathing is being affected.
His beloved hospice day center day (today) was cut short because he was so unwell, he has been to bed for most of the time since he got home. Best place for him while he feels like this, but, it's sooo frustrating for him and makes me feel so powerless.
During chemo cycles, life goes on auto pilot, you cannot plan anything as you never know when and what side effects will kick in.
I find the most painful thing for myself is, I have to watch from the sidelines as Jon goes through this, helping in practical ways and supporting the tide of erratic emotions that come and go. My own emotions go up and down also and I try to keep myself in check while Jon is dealing with the hard part of chemo, most of the time it works, sometimes it doesn't.
Chemotherapy can be a lifeline and give more precious time, but, it also brings you back to the reality of what is happening in our lives. Brings questions to the table, such as "is it working?" so many "what ifs" and the biggie "how much time will it gain for us".
I am totally amazed at how much support that our family and friends are giving and continuing to give on a daily basis. We both have so many "virtual" friends online as well, these are people we have not physically met, but have been such a support to us. Without that support this would be a hell of a lot harder to deal with...the feeling of isolation doesn't come over you quite as quickly as it would without them. That feeling still comes, feelings of isolation, despair and bleakness.
But, there is also the laughter that is brought by family and friends :) life goes on and you have to go with it. You can't be down all of the time or you would go insane, so to all those who are constantly there for us, I thank you.
Life does crumble during chemotherapy, but you pick yourself up and build it back up again as best you can, and carry on. I am grateful we still have a life together, it could have been a very different story, so for the time being we have a life, and we are dam well going to make the most of it!
So, we are half way through Jon's chemo now, one more cycle and he will have a scan to see if it has done the job. Hoping and praying for a good result, especially after all he is going through right now. A good result will mean (god willing) that Jon and myself will get a few more months together and be able to make some more good memories. That is the very best we can hope for and that is what we are aiming for.
Through all of this my darling Jon carries on and tries hard not to let it get him down too much. His strength of character is a sight to see, the stubborness of this man is holding him in good stead, he wont give in easily. I am so proud of him and the way he is dealing with this monster, though on occasions I could slap him when he wont rest lol
My Jon, my hero :)
