We went today to have Jon's PICC line fitted before he has chemo on Monday. They let me into the treatment room to be with him, they had to do it twice because of awkward veins, but generally it went well. Now of course, I have something else to worry about......but I wouldn't be me if I wasn't worrying lol.
The worrying has started! Some of the dressing holding the line in place has come away....so paranoia is setting in. Why oh why can't I just go with the flow?
The coming twelve weeks loom in front of us/me and again I will feel under pressure to ensure that everything (and everyone) is spotlessly clean while Jon is on chemo. I stress about EVERYTHING....I know I'm over doing it, but the "I have to save him" syndrome kicks in and away I go. I shall try harder this time to not put myself under unnecessary pressure, because it's only hurting myself, and making me a "lesser" carer.
Talking of the word carer, I hate it! I am Jon's wife, I have always "cared" for him, but never been called that before. Nothing in that respect has changed for me, and I resent having a "label" put on me. I am a wife who loves her husband, and that is the top and bottom of it.
My love for Jon grows daily, his unswerving bravery/perseverance makes me so proud...I would like to think I would be the same in his position...but it's very doubtful.
Due to the effect of steroids, he is sleeping very little, just a couple of hours at a time. Through all of that, he is more concerned about disturbing me when he wakes! That just goes to show what a darling of a husband I am privileged to have, never a thought for himself.
It's very hard to watch from the sidelines what is happening to my darling Jon, the disease keeps rolling on like a steam roller. Nothing can stop it for very long, chemo is like a rock to the steam roller, stops it (with luck) for a very short time then off it goes again, it's relentless. And each time it takes more out of Jon, in turn that takes more out of me. We both hate the uncertainty of this disease, sometimes hope is in front of you, then like some awful joke it's taken away. One step forward three steps back.
Through all of the sadness, doubts and tears, I can truly say that I am blessed in having Jon in my life. Finding a love like ours is a rare gift and one I will be forever thankful for, I have had the happiest and most wonderful life with my soul mate over these last 12 years or so, and I wouldn't have missed it for the world! Whatever the future holds, I have the knowledge that I am truly loved and that will carry me through whatever dark days are ahead.
In the mean time, we are going to get through this chemo and take life by the britches, and live it in the best way we can! There are still lots of good times I'm sure, and the bad times will just be "lived" through until we come out the other side.
One thing that has come out of this, is that I have come to accept life for what it is. It's short, it's yours and only yours, and you must live it as if each day is your last! I have no regard anymore as to what people think of me, my life, I live it the way I want to now.
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