Set out with my darling Jon to the hospital, scan results and last chemo cycle were on the menu for today, or so we thought.
Waited for Jon to be called to have his bloods done, never happened. When he was called we were taken straight through to see the oncologist, he asked the usual questions, Jon then asked if he had the scan results. The look on his face was enough, then he told us the news. The Taxotere chemotherapy had not worked and the small tumours had doubled in size. He would not be letting Jon have the last cycle of chemo....fair enough, no point. No more treatment will be given. We are back to a prognosis of 3-6 months average.
All of the unpleasant side effects that Jon has gone through over the last couple of months have all been for nothing.....
We left the office having been told there was to be a MDT meeting the next day and the oncologist would ring us the following day. I am assuming this call would be regarding trial drugs that Jon had enquired about.
Our mood was low, very low, how do you deal with that?? Shock is not too strong a word to use in this situation. Took a full day of disbelief and tears to get it out of my system, well as much as I can, I feel lost.
So, now we go on.....go on to where? time will tell.
Time is against us now and I hear that ticking getting so much louder.....what i do want to say here and now is, I am SO proud of my wonderful husband! He has from day one, taken on this fight with his mind firmly set on beating the hell out of this cancer, and is giving it his all. I have watched him go through all the ups and downs of treatment and he has taken it on the chin, he could have so easily given up months ago. I am in total awe of him, he has given me the strength to carry on the fight with him. We continue to nurture our love, it is stronger than ever and will go on growing forever, even after we are both gone our love will remain. We are one and NOTHING can ever take that away from us.
Day to day life changes, we both try to keep hold of some sort of normality, but the nature of the beast means you can't, but it doesn't stop you trying. Days are becoming more and more uncertain but I am grateful for each day I have with my darling Jon.
All of this has certainly brought home to me the need to live each day as WE want to, bugger everyone else! I have no time at all for any of life's dramas, if it doesn't make us happy, then it's out of our lives and I will never apologise for that.
Family mean everything to me and of course Jon, but the one thing that terrifies me is, after all this over and I am alone, how do I answer questions from our grandchildren? I think about this more and more, they are only small, but they are not stupid.....I have read some literature given from Macmillan, it helps a little but I still worry about it. I do not envy my son Steven and his wife Louise who will have the hardest job on this earth, telling the children. But, hopefully that is a while away yet.
The Macmillan online community has and is still there supporting me and we all support each other, we all understand what is happening to each other.....we are all right there facing the same thing. I am still amazed at the way people have supported us from other walks of life, they are helping us face each day with a smile. They keep everything "normal" make us laugh, share our fears and our tears, and keep us going, they may not know this, but they do!
I am going to take the the future one step at a time, it's too hard to think in advance now.....facing each day with as much courage as I can muster and making each day as good as I can for my hero, my Jon. Also making sure we continue to have good times, fun times and relaxing times enjoying each other's company. Jon makes me complete and how many people in life miss out on just that, being at one with someone they love and who loves them back? I am so lucky and so privileged, with Jon I have everything.
Time is against us now and I hear that ticking getting so much louder.....what i do want to say here and now is, I am SO proud of my wonderful husband! He has from day one, taken on this fight with his mind firmly set on beating the hell out of this cancer, and is giving it his all. I have watched him go through all the ups and downs of treatment and he has taken it on the chin, he could have so easily given up months ago. I am in total awe of him, he has given me the strength to carry on the fight with him. We continue to nurture our love, it is stronger than ever and will go on growing forever, even after we are both gone our love will remain. We are one and NOTHING can ever take that away from us.
Day to day life changes, we both try to keep hold of some sort of normality, but the nature of the beast means you can't, but it doesn't stop you trying. Days are becoming more and more uncertain but I am grateful for each day I have with my darling Jon.
All of this has certainly brought home to me the need to live each day as WE want to, bugger everyone else! I have no time at all for any of life's dramas, if it doesn't make us happy, then it's out of our lives and I will never apologise for that.
Family mean everything to me and of course Jon, but the one thing that terrifies me is, after all this over and I am alone, how do I answer questions from our grandchildren? I think about this more and more, they are only small, but they are not stupid.....I have read some literature given from Macmillan, it helps a little but I still worry about it. I do not envy my son Steven and his wife Louise who will have the hardest job on this earth, telling the children. But, hopefully that is a while away yet.
The Macmillan online community has and is still there supporting me and we all support each other, we all understand what is happening to each other.....we are all right there facing the same thing. I am still amazed at the way people have supported us from other walks of life, they are helping us face each day with a smile. They keep everything "normal" make us laugh, share our fears and our tears, and keep us going, they may not know this, but they do!
I am going to take the the future one step at a time, it's too hard to think in advance now.....facing each day with as much courage as I can muster and making each day as good as I can for my hero, my Jon. Also making sure we continue to have good times, fun times and relaxing times enjoying each other's company. Jon makes me complete and how many people in life miss out on just that, being at one with someone they love and who loves them back? I am so lucky and so privileged, with Jon I have everything.
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