18. December 2013

The last month of the year has brought various things to us, some good, some not so good. December brings Christmas to the forefront for everyone, but right from the beginning of this month I could feel the stress building.
I had a mild virus early in the month, which unfortunately Jon caught and it made him quite poorly. This was the start of the real stress, coping with "normal" illness is so much more of an ordeal in someone who has a major problem already. With the help of the GP and the district nurses we got through it, but it really took it out of Jon, which in turn made me feel guilty as he had got it from me.
I have come to notice more and more, in both Jon and myself, that mood and emotion changes are now becoming more apparent, and that is another thing along this journey that we both have to come to terms with. It can be hard, but we both know it's part of cancer sadly.
I came to a point during this month, that I felt "all cancered out" I did not want to talk about it, read about it, or deal with it. I felt so overwhelmed by whole thing and would have told anyone in no uncertain terms what I thought of them if they had brought it up.
I had not really been looking after myself during this time, not eating properly etc and had become quite run down. It took the district nurse pointing this out to me before I really realised what was happening. How could I possibly give my all to caring for Jon if I was not up to scratch? That brought me back to my senses lol and I am now sorting myself out.
Our spirits started to lift as the month went on, Jon was back at the hospice day center for a few more weeks and the Christmas party was on the horizon. Last year we enjoyed the party so much, even though at that point Jon was on chemo, this year it was really good and we both enjoyed the fun and friendship without having chemo holding Jon back.
Christmas Day arrived and we hoped it would be a good day.....it was far more than that! We had the best Christmas in a long while :) we relaxed and totally enjoyed the day. Visits from our children during the day really made it for us, and in between we could relax in each others company. There were so many smiles and lots of laughter, and we were as happy as we could be in this situation. The same could be said of Boxing Day, we enjoyed time with the children and grand children, bringing more smiles.
I took lots of photos, lots of smiles and happiness.
To say we were blessed this Christmas doesn't seem enough really.

We now have the New Year looming in front of us, not knowing what it will bring, but we will face it with a positive attitude....that is all that we can do. The end of January brings the dreaded scan, and all the emotions and questions that come along with it. Will the tumours have grown again? How much have they grown? Will they decide to try and treat it for a bit longer? This has suddenly become an option of sorts....though I'm not as yet convinced that they will actually give it. If they do, will Jon be able to cope with yet more harsh treatment?
The uncertainty of it all, can at times become overpowering.....this is when you have to get a grip, pull your socks up, grit your teeth and tell yourself, whatever is decided I/we can and will deal with it.
So into the New Year we will go, positive that we will cope and carry on fighting this monster, keeping it at bay for as long as we can.

I wish you all a very happy and healthy New Year, just keep in mind, tell those you hold dear, that you love them as often as you can. Because a life can change in the twinkling of an eye and that chance may be gone.