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April brought us a little respite and we had some fun! My wonderful children and their partners organised my 60th birthday party, which was also mine and Jon's Wedding Vow Renewal. We did both together in one evening, it was a wonderful evening and I'm so happy we were able to do it while Jon was still well. My children did us proud and gave us/me memories to last a lifetime.
A very happy but also a very emotional evening, we have been married for 10 years in July. We decided to go ahead and have the vow renewal in April along with my "big" birthday, as we are never certain of what the future will be.
Next scan, May 2013.......this brought us the news we didn't want to hear.
We went along for the scan results, hoping that nothing had changed and all was stable......we got it wrong. The oncologist told us that Jon had some new growth, "mets", this word has now become an everyday word in our world. The worst thing being, the cancer had reached out it's grip from his left lung and was now in his right lung. My world shook and at first I had a bit of a time dealing with it, I was still thinking we had a couple of years if luck was with us.
The lung nurse took great pains in telling me that a couple of years was not really on the radar anymore, and we were right back at the beginning all over again. They were looking at treatment to give Jon the best quality of life they could for his remaining time.
How many times can your heart break? I think mine is being held together with super glue right now! I had a few days trying to get my head in the right place (wherever that is), readjusting to the new "old" diagnosis.
So, a new treatment was brought to Jon, Tarceva, a tablet that could possibly hold the cancer at bay a while longer. Jon had only been on it for about 10 days and it had to be stopped, due to side effects.... hopes dashed again.
Through this time I have gone from being ok-ish to being in total despair, I have cried rivers, thought I couldn't keep doing this, generally wallowing. Partly feeling sorry for myself, but mainly feeling SO powerless in not being able to stop this monster from destroying the one thing in my life that means everything, my Jon.
I have had times when I had so many stress symptoms and still do from time to time, that it frightened me to death! Palpitations, shaking, endless crying and even eye twitches!
But, between Jon and the rest of my family, I got through. Now, I have to mention two sources that have been my lifeline, they still are and will be right the way through this journey (as everyone calls it).
St John's Hospice Wirral is the first, they have been of so much help to me....and Jon. I cannot thank them enough for "being there" and supporting us both.
The other source is Macmillan Online Community, the people on here, and I am mostly concerned with the carers forum, are such a godsend. We are all in the same boat and have the same struggles, all at different points in this illness, but we support each other. We swop information and also laughs! If there is no one with an answer to what you are querying then you can phone the Mac line and speak to a specialist in whatever subject you need.
Without those outlets things would be so much harder. I cannot praise them enough!
So, we are now on the brink of Jon's last treatment, after this there is not much hope other than a trial treatment, but the odds are against that.
On the 1st July we go back to see the oncologist to get Jon onto IV Chemotherapy yet again, Taxotere. This time Jon will have a PICC line fitted to save him from the pain of having his veins poked and prodded to get the cannulas in. This drug does worry me a little more than the other treatments, having read up on it ( I know I shouldn't) the side effects can be quite unpleasant. It seems Jon could lose what hair he has left, and other effects which I wont go into.
The other thing that really bothers me is, where do we go from here? The answer is, a very loud, nowhere!
And that, when it comes to it, will put another large crack in my heart.
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