We have just come back from a few days break away, along with my daughter Donna, recharging the batteries before we step on the roller coaster again. I enjoyed the time away, mainly because we did "normal" things, no one (other than ourselves) knew about the cancer. It was a time when we could try to be as normal as possible.
Monday 1st July is going to be the start of another unknown period in our lives, Chemotherapy is about to begin again. This is for the final time, after this there is nothing more to be done.
Now, I have heard/read a lot of things about this next chemotherapy, Taxotere, and to be honest it scares me. I know I should take things as they come, but I don't do that, never have, regardless of what it is. I have yet to have a "melt down" so far this last week or so, but it will happen, and sometimes when I least expect it!
As this "journey" continues I am finding myself feeling more and more tired, mostly mentally but it can also be physical. My mind never stops, and it will be worse once chemo is under way.....I go on high alert from the moment it starts. Watching for side effects, temperature changes, signs of more fatigue, and then coming up against new things that I haven't encountered . According to what I have read, we will enter the world of hair loss this time, which will be an alien thing to happen.
My experiences from the start of this period in our life, just on myself for a moment.....as I have said in previous blogs, my anxiety levels have shot up. Peaking at times of extreme pressure, with the shaking, palpitations etc there came a new one into this mix....I don't know if other carers have experienced it ( I wont say suffer as that is extreme) I have had a modest amount of hair loss myself during this time. My hairdresser told me it was stress and I had to try and get some sort of a handle on it. It still happens though I think it is a little less, thank goodness!
On some occasions I have had real temper tantrums (when alone), feeling sorry for myself and feeling very lonely. The anger builds up and then something very very trivial sets the tantrums off....sometimes it's the pure feeling of powerlessness that sets me off. To sit and watch what is happening to the man I adore, slowly getting further along the road with this illness is soul destroying. How can it not be?
Sometimes I feel ashamed of myself, how can I be so selfish? I haven't (god willing) got this terrible disease. But the thoughts of "what happened to MY life" "why has this happened to ME" "what is going to happen to ME with no future ahead" THAT is when I feel totally selfish. Then I get angry with myself and feel so ashamed.....
All of this I try hard to keep from Jon, but it doesn't always work out that way. Our poor dogs see most of it, they of course just ignore me and don't indulge these periods of self pity....which is what I need! I cannot allow myself to become self centered, it would be totally destructive to both me and Jon. I am thankful that these times are few and far between....but I thought I had to mention it, I'm not superhuman, I'm a human and my feelings sometimes get in the way of the role I play in helping Jon fight on as hard as he can against this cancer. Maybe what I have said has shocked you, maybe not.....but it's what happens in our lives right now.
Remember one thing though, NEVER judge what you have never encountered.....it's whole different story when you have to walk this road.
That is my "dark" side, out in the open lol but life does have it's lighter side! We still have laughs and enjoy "skitting" at each other...sometimes in ways that outsiders just wouldn't understand. I love this man and he loves me, that is wonderful! The only other thing I want is for this cancer to be taken away from him.....
So! It's time to gird our loins, so to speak, and get ready for the next part in the battle with NSCLC......it 's not going to win this battle for a long long time!!!
