There is a fine line between positivity and despair, this last few weeks has been such a struggle for me. I would not usually dwell on the more anxious side to my life during this journey, but I feel I have to if I'm to be any help at all to those who are on a similar journey. Life with cancer is the hardest thing I guess anyone can deal with, and yes, there are some very dark times. For myself I find some times so difficult to deal with and at some points feel I can no longer do this. These times thankfully pass reasonably quickly!
The loneliness felt at these times is hard to describe, the feeling of being deserted by those who you had hoped would be a support to you can be overwhelming ( children not included in this). I realise that people have their own lives and problems to deal with and that comes first in their lives, and that is the way it should be....but, this journey has taught me a great lesson.......not everyone, sadly, can be counted on!
I hope that these people never have to face this horrible disease in their own lives, for then, they will know how it feels. I have become "harder" now, I will no longer be there for others, for those who have shuffled me/us out of their thoughts (for various reasons) I have started to become more selfish. The reason for this is purely self preservation.....I haven't got the energy or time to "worry" why people are being this way.
Things change as time goes by, prognosis changes slightly with each different oncologist we meet, and we have met many....just when you think you have it all sorted in your head, bam! there is a different angle thrown at you. All with the same outcome however they dress it up. That my friends is very hard to deal with, at least for me.
I have found that all of this is having a negative effect on my own health, which all of us carers find out at some point. No matter how hard you try not to let it, this whole journey changes a person, neither in a good or bad way...you are never the same person as you were before all this happened. For me personally, I have less patience with the "stupid" energy draining worries and have become less tolerant. I am angry that life has changed so much and there is very little I can do about it. But I have to deal with it and that's that.
Some things have surprised me, in a good way :) People who have no real connection with me/us have been so kind and helpful and that gives me so much joy and hope in human kind. I have "spoken" to other carers on line, all dealing with this same journey and have found, the feelings I have are not uncommon (as I thought) and have read some situations that have brought me to tears. We the carers have a hard job, we have to watch our loved one go through all that cancer brings, trying to help and also keep "normal" things going. Sometimes we have to voice our feelings and thoughts on different aspects of treatment to medical staff, this can be hard, some medics appear not to listen or just brush you aside....sometimes, someone will listen. All of this takes energy, and all of this is undertaken ultimately for the benefit of the loved one we care for.
What I am trying to say is, I adore my darling Jon, as other carers love their loved ones.....but it is a very hard job to make sure they are cared for to the best level available. Because loving Jon means I have to get the best for him in whatever way that is. We also have to keep ourselves on an even keel, that too is very hard.
To my fellow carers, I have total respect for you all and my heart goes out to all who are struggling TODAY..... everyone struggles, but if it's your turn today, I send you a huge hug!
