Some days it all gets too much for both of us, but on this journey there is no day off, you have to carry on, days can seem endless.
The days of me trying "to fix" this are over, the days of making sure Jon has all I can give him in the way of love, care and comfort are here. I knew these days would come, but I pushed them away trying not to think about them, but here they are. These days are harder for Jon, but for me they have lit a fire of determination that everything I can possibly do to make these months as easy on him as possible, will be done. As the line of a song goes- I will love him through this- that is all I have left to do.
I now have to fully go with my instincts, if I think something can be done to make life easier for Jon, I will ask and it will be done. And woe betide anyone who gets in my way! I cannot wait about dithering, wondering any more, the time I have with my Jon is so much more important and precious.
Day to day life of the humdrum sort, still goes on around us and we do the "normal" things that everyone has to do....and that to some extent helps us through. Selling the house (or trying to!) has put so much more stress on us, people know our situation, but can be so thoughtless in regard to the house. Our estate agent has been really good, she is doing all she can in trying to sift out time wasters. All we want is to sell, move, and make a little home for however long we have left together. Selling is important, Jon wants to put his affairs in order and have less stress in his last months....is that too much to ask?
My feelings on the subject of people and selling cannot be printed here!
My thoughts are turning towards Christmas, I love Christmas, but this Christmas will be different.....I am looking forward to it as usual, but in another way I'm not. It means time will have marched on further and I wont be able to get it back. So the positive in this is, make it a good one, make it a happy one, make it one I will remember for the good times. We're back to the making memories thing that I sometimes find difficult....not wanting memories but wanting/needing Jon. But realistically I will need those memories to carry me through days which I would rather not think about.
These days we take comfort in the little things in life, sitting watching tv together holding hands and just "being", that brings a contentment to both of us. The days when the grandchildren come round to see us bringing laughter and chaos in their wake. Days of chatting to our children mean so much more now, things that have been taken for granted in the past. Extended family, the ones who regularly pop in to see how we are and share a cuppa and a little laugh. These things are precious and priceless, again things that have in the past been taken for granted.
We are now looking forward to my eldest son Karl and his girlfriend Lauren's engagement party, which is in a few weeks. A chance to share their happiness and relax in the company of friends and family.
We also have my sister's Ruby Wedding celebrations later in the year, but right now, that is too far away to contemplate. Family and friends can be the richest thing you can have at times like this, so if you are in the same position as ourselves, remember to enjoy the little things in life while you can. You really don't need any more than that.
Awareness needs to be brought in the treatment and status of Lung Cancer, it is too easily brushed under the carpet as a smokers disease. The stigma of "you've brought it on yourself" attitude needs to be addressed and soon! People don't realise just how many non smokers also get this dreadful disease!
The question of "do you smoke" is always asked......does it matter? Lung cancer is lung cancer and is such a big killer!! If you have lungs, you are at risk and that is it. No one deserves to have to go through the terrors of lung cancer....and believe me, it is terrifying!
Macmillan, Marie Curie, Lung Cancer Survivors Foundation, Faces of Lung Cancer, and so many other groups are trying so hard to bring lung cancer to the forefront.....but how many listen? It's so sad.
Cancer of any description needs be fought on the highest fronts, but how many of you think of lung cancer in the same way as other cancers?
So in summing up, don't let life pass you by, enjoy it for what it is on a daily basis, be thankful you wake to another day and be thankful for family and friends.
I will be eternally grateful for having Jon in my life, the deep love we share and the overwhelming joy he brings to me...I couldn't ask for anything better than that! That gives me strength to carry on....that is love.
I love you Jon Roberts!
