Well here I am again, Jon has just had his third cycle of chemo with one more to go. The side effects have hit him hard, each time gets a little bit harder due to the cumulative effects of chemotherapy. He is sleeping his way through it and that is the best and only thing to do during this period. But, it gives me more time to think....this can be a good thing and a bad thing. I'm glad that he is getting his rest and building up his strength again. My thoughts can stray into the negatives of all of this, I feel a little lonely at these times though I have got a little more used to it now. These times bring me back to a sense of what we are both dealing with, Jon battling the cancer and me battling feelings of loneliness and frustration.
I also take time to remember better times, look at photos and yes, smile!! This man has brought so much into my life, so much happiness and contentment, and also the deep love we have for each other, that truly makes me smile.
I have over the past few weeks felt a great sense of anger (that has now passed thankfully) I was feeling angry at everyone and everything! But my counsellor has been a godsend helping me to direct my thoughts into WHY I felt like this.
After some deep thought and talking to her, I realised my anger was really with myself. I can't "fix" Jon, no matter how I try I just can't..... and I know this is what I have been trying to do, also trying to protect him from anything and everything. I cannot protect him from life and what it brings, all I can do is the best I can within my limits to care for him and just be there. It is more important to try as best I can, to carry on life with a new kind of "normal".
It's time for me to look at our life with a fresh set of eyes, which finally I have been able to do, and with that a kind of calmness has now descended on me. This will be so much more productive than the sheer anger that had recently prevailed.
I'm not saying it will always be this way, I'm sure I'll still have my angry periods along with the sadness and not forgetting the laughs and smiles! But now I know why I feel this way and can deal with it.
During the next week Jon will get his scan appointment and we shall have the results on the day of his last chemo. This will bring back the turmoil into our lives, waiting to see if all this chemo has been worthwhile. I cannot tell you how much this "waiting" gets under my skin, I have to be very firm with myself not to get into a negative state of mind. So! I will do my best to stay level headed and be positive, and try to cast out the small negative thoughts that can, if you let them grow into something much larger. Again, it is the fear of the unknown and the uncertainty every step of the way that can get to you.
So, for now, this life rolls on and does it in which ever way it wants to, it may be a roller coaster but it's one I am learning to ride and some of the time, be in control.
I hang on to some words I found on the internet when things get a little hard.....
Courage is not the absence of fear,
but rather, the judgement that something else is more important than fear.
These words bring back my fighting spirit and I get right back in there helping my wonderful Jon to fight on.
