I am now into the month of May and time is passing by, sometimes I wish it would pass quicker and I would be a day nearer to being with Jon. Now that is a thought that comes to mind at periods when things look bleaker than usual, Jon would be up in arms if he was here!
I'm trying to untangle a life for myself from this awful emptiness and the cold loneliness of not having my best friend by my side. It's difficult to put it mildly, I, like Jon, have to have a focus, an aim, or I flounder around getting nowhere. How do you find a focus when all that you had is gone?
One of the joys I have found recently is my little garden :) It is by garden standards very small, but it is enough for me right now. I have always loved flowers, and watching them grow and take on a beautiful new face each day through the growing process.
Jon used to buy me lovely cut flowers on a regular basis because he knew I loved them, I miss them. So I took myself off to the shop and bought myself a large bouquet, and it was the best thing I could have done. They reminded me of one of the best things to have happened in my life (Jon) and also brought a smile to my face for the same reason. I have decided I will do this on a regular basis from now on.
My feelings as time goes on are changing too, I miss my darling in a way I will never be able to put down in words. The "face" goes on most days, I don't want to come across as the "miserable widow" to everyone, I have alot to be thankful for. But there are days (and I think there will always be) when I just want to be alone and let the sadness in, I can deal with it then and let it pass. It is so hard trying to hide it when all I want to do is have a good cry or a rant or just generally have the space to think about my darling Jon.
The tears still come, only takes a song or a photo or a situation, and I'm done for.......but in general the long bouts of tears are having a longer space between them. I still get them, those days are dark and I go to bed hoping I wont wake in the morning, something I never thought would happen to me and something in a strange way I'm ashamed of. I shouldn't have thoughts like that, I'm "the strong one" but this "strong one" crumbles from time to time.
On better days I can now smile when I look at photos especially the ones before Jon became ill.....I can laugh at some of the situations we got ourselves into on holidays. We had a good life, a fun life, a life full of love and I will always have that and be able to remember that.
I am now into the month of June........not a month I'm looking forward to. You see, it's Jon's birthday month, his last birthday was quite traumatic in that he was so poorly. But we had a little party for him at the hospice, the family came and of course his beloved hounds. Jon always made an effort to join in the fun even though he was so poorly, he was a hero to me and all who came in contact with him.
This year will be the loneliest and saddest as he wont be here to celebrate.
Me and the family are having a charity night in his name the day before his birthday, hoping to raise lots of money for the hospice who looked after us so well. It's a focus, it will bring me up to his birthday, and hopefully if we can raise a fair amount then this birthday will not be quite so empty.
The "first" of everything that happens in a year is so so hard.... I had my first birthday without him last April, I miss him so much.
I miss him every second of every hour of every day and I can tell you the pain is not getting any easier.
