My heart is heavy and I feel my world closing in, Jon is not getting any better....in fact I would say he is slightly worse.
The Insulin he has been put on seems to do little for the dizzy spells, the hospice doctor has the right idea I think......the tumours are growing rapidly now and giving off chemicals that are causing alot of my darling's problems, and they can do very little about that.
Back on antibiotics after I had to get the out of hours doctor out to see him last Sunday (10th). He thinks there is another infection brewing, which may or may not be the case. Steroids have been stepped up again for a while, and that is all the medical world can do for him.
His balance is getting worse, it breaks my heart to see my darling suffering, knowing he is getting worse, that is the cruelest thing. I put my arm round him and I can feel how much muscle he has lost. I'm going to lose him very soon....that is the gut feeling I have....no longer is it months/year....it's relatively soon.
I feel broken that I can't stop it...............how can you watch the love of your life slowly fade away? I hope you never have to...it is the hardest most soul destroying thing in the world.
My heart is breaking, I can feel a scream coming from the deepest depths of my body, it is yet to reach the surface.....but it's coming.....
Days are passing and my darling is fading away, slowly, but none the less he is fading. The most painful sad thing is, he knows it..........his fight is gone and he is slowly letting go. Today he is going for a little trip out to one of his favourite places, the little cafe in a place called The Pet Cemetery in North Wales, he is going with his lovely daughter.....I am not sure how many more visits he will manage to make, if any.
Thoughts are rushing through my mind at such a speed I cannot keep up with them.....sometimes I feel as though I can't breathe!
I am so proud of this man, he is fighting a battle he has no chance of winning, I cannot help, all I can do is try my very best to meet all of his needs and to make sure he is as comfortable as I can make him.
Yesterday I asked was he losing the fight.....I didn't need telling, I can see for myself, but to have someone actually tell you out loud, brings a feeling of numbness.
Medication is changing rapidly, each day brings a new change, something added something stopped, it goes on and on.
We are now waiting for a hospital bed to arrive, so my darling doesn't have to cope with the stairs....I wish I could hurry it up! But these things take time, hopefully just a few more days and it will be here.
We have also been told that Jon will be going back into the hospice soon, they are leaving it (as far as possible) until he is ready. I just have to let my lovely Mac nurse know when he wants to go in and it will be done. They say it maybe just for symptom control and he will again come home, but in this situation, who knows?
All of this is so surreal, I'm going along trying to stay "normal", knowing deep in my heavy heart the time to say goodbye will soon be upon me and our family. I hope we have a few months more.....
Jon is my darling, my soulmate, my very best friend my everything.........how do you carry on without your rock? How do you make life worth living? I have yet to face that demon, for which I'm thankful, but in the fullness of time I will face it............and face it alone.
I am sorry this part of my blog is so downbeat, but I feel I have to be honest about my feelings....no point in saying "all is well as it can be" because it's not. I have read other carers blog/comments as they face this daunting episode in their lives, and have been in awe of how they cope, but most of all I draw strength from their complete honesty. Both Jon and myself have never been the type to "sugar coat" anything in life, you can't avoid things just because it hurts. You have to face it full on, with courage and dignity, and I hope that I am doing this. Jon certainly is!! He has astounded me from the beginning of all of this with his courage and determination, and is bearing this part in his journey with dignity.
I will continue to love my darling through this, right to the very end....I will never leave his side!
