My darling is again in the hospice for symptom control and I am alone until he is back home with me. This time seems more traumatic than the last, trying to keep my feelings under control is harder and I go between sobbing and intense anger.
There are now blood clots on his lung, infection and the usual fatigue all taking their toll on my darling....we are waiting for the results of his brain MRI and I am praying that at least this will be clear, surely something has to go our way??
Having seen the oncologist while he is in the hospice, it has been confirmed that time is short........this is where the intense anger is coming from. I know in my heart that time is short, but from time to time I kid myself that maybe I'm wrong......but to have it confirmed by the oncologist brings a deep sadness.
This is a time were I sit and think back over our life together....13 wonderful years being with my loving, brave, strong, funny man. In those 13 years I have had a lifetime of love given to me and shared with me, he has always been and still is my rock, he knows me inside out.....he has given me his all and I have done the same with him. It is hard to put into words all that I feel for this man, my Jon, how do I explain how much a man I love and adore means? There are no words and never will be.
I have mountains of good memories, in the way of photos and events that have happened during our time together, and I guess in time they will become more and more precious to me. I'm glad I am a "photo addict" and have taken lots of photos during our time together, even Jon thinks it's funny!
Through this whole thing people have been very kind in general, some have been outstanding in supporting me, in particular my children/partners have been so caring, kind and helpful and I will always always be grateful. These are the people I will need so much more in the next few months, because without them I will not get through what is to come.
Jon and me will still fight on, we have no choice we have to keep fighting to make each day count.....to give up now would undermine everything we have been through, and we will never be ready to do that.
I thought at the beginning of all of this, that it was hard.......but little did I know just how hard it would be.
To all those carers out there doing exactly the same as myself, I wish you strength to carry on loving and caring for your loved ones. It is the hardest, and at times the loneliest thing in the world to do, but we do it, because we love them.
September 4th 2014
Today is another day that will stay in my memory forever.....it's a very bad day! The consultant told Jon the cancer had spread to his brain, in turn Jon told me.....I cannot tell you the emotions that run riot through my whole body. The worst possible news we could have, so we thought.......today (5th) I was told that there are three new tumours in Jon's brain. Only one is of any significant size, but that one and the two smaller ones are growing......
I cannot believe that things have gone from being fairly stable to being out of control in such a short time...I cannot believe that I am so so close to losing my darling, the love of my life, my everything....
Having had a few days to think on what has happened to us, and I say "us" because even though I (thank god) do not have to physically bear this disease, in every other way, we bear it together, it still does not seem real. How can this be happening? WHY is it happening? Hasn't he been through enough without this final blow?
Oceans of tears have been shed and will continue to be shed, either alone or together, to try and bring some sort of sense to this horrible situation.
Jon is still at present in the hospice, but we hope to bring him home during this next week, he needs to be at home for as long as possible. We need this time to talk, to smile, to make a few more memories before we say our final goodbyes.
I have said I will love my Jon through this until the very end, and that is a promise I have made and a promise I will keep. I cannot take it away from him, but I will try to ease his journey until he can finally rest. For that is the greatest thing I can do for him now, help him through until he says it's time to rest. When that time comes, I will be right there with my darling as it should be.
