The various side effects are taking their toll on his body, but he is still battling away, he is amazing!
Chemo brings him (and me at times) to the edge of hell, but also holds out the hope of more precious time with my darling. So with that hope in the distance we go on, Jon battling with the fight going on within his body, and me watching at the sidelines wracking my brains to help him.
Time is marching on, the clock is ticking and the sound gets louder in my ears as each day passes, I can't block it out...it hurts so much.
We still have smiles as all this is going on... one side effect from Taxotere is hair loss. This is the thing that is a sort of miner concern to me, heaven knows why, because Jon has very little hair anyway. He finds this most amusing lol
I had this idea as we went into this new cycle of chemo, that I would have more control this time, Ha! how wrong could I be? The old symptoms have come flooding back to me yet again, worry, got to "save him" from all this.....palpitations etc. Though I must say, they are not quite as "wild" as the first time, but they are there.....so I guess I had better let them get on with it and just carry on.
I have times when I wish Jon wouldn't push himself quite so much, but then again if you don't push yourself, you could begin to lose ground...and he's is not near ready for that yet.
My Jon is the most courageous man I know, and I mean that from the point of view that he will not give in to this thing. Sometimes I look at him and wonder how on earth he can keep going, his body is letting him down but his mind is as strong as ever, and he is still the most stubborn man I know, carrying on till he can no longer do it without some rest. Which sometimes brings me to a point of almost shouting at him to go and rest!! But I don't, he needs this force within to keep the fight going, to let cancer know he wont go easily, to let the world know, you don't have to lay down and die at this diagnosis.
Life is short, and so many people (myself included) don't realise it until you come up against a crisis in your life. You think you will always be here....and you wont. I wish I had realised this before all of this happened, and maybe we would have taken things a bit slower, put things like work on the back burner now and again. Enjoyed life for what it is, and that is to share it with people, enjoy their company, even enjoy nature and all that goes with it around you. We miss sooooo much in our day to day life, it's so sad.
I grasp onto every moment I spend with Jon, I like taking photos, but now, if he moves I take a photo! lol Just to capture as many memories as I can while I can.
Sometimes when I sit alone, if Jon has taken the dogs out for a short walk, or when he is sleeping, my mind wanders to the fact that someday this is going to be my everyday life. I don't think about it too much as I would be constantly in tears, but it's true, and I can't shake it off. Fears of not being able to remember the sound of his voice, I don't know why, that's a lie, I do know why....I cannot remember my father's voice these days and that is sad. I wont let that happen with Jon, I will find a way to keep hold of every part of him, and I know he will be here beside me whatever happens until I can be with him again.
Enough of the morbid stuff!! It's here and now and I'm so lucky to have my Jon right here with me. Still making me laugh and still teasing me at every opportunity, lol
I just adore his sense of humour and the way he can take me in so easily, life is so good in that respect.
I had this idea as we went into this new cycle of chemo, that I would have more control this time, Ha! how wrong could I be? The old symptoms have come flooding back to me yet again, worry, got to "save him" from all this.....palpitations etc. Though I must say, they are not quite as "wild" as the first time, but they are there.....so I guess I had better let them get on with it and just carry on.
I have times when I wish Jon wouldn't push himself quite so much, but then again if you don't push yourself, you could begin to lose ground...and he's is not near ready for that yet.
My Jon is the most courageous man I know, and I mean that from the point of view that he will not give in to this thing. Sometimes I look at him and wonder how on earth he can keep going, his body is letting him down but his mind is as strong as ever, and he is still the most stubborn man I know, carrying on till he can no longer do it without some rest. Which sometimes brings me to a point of almost shouting at him to go and rest!! But I don't, he needs this force within to keep the fight going, to let cancer know he wont go easily, to let the world know, you don't have to lay down and die at this diagnosis.
Life is short, and so many people (myself included) don't realise it until you come up against a crisis in your life. You think you will always be here....and you wont. I wish I had realised this before all of this happened, and maybe we would have taken things a bit slower, put things like work on the back burner now and again. Enjoyed life for what it is, and that is to share it with people, enjoy their company, even enjoy nature and all that goes with it around you. We miss sooooo much in our day to day life, it's so sad.
I grasp onto every moment I spend with Jon, I like taking photos, but now, if he moves I take a photo! lol Just to capture as many memories as I can while I can.
Sometimes when I sit alone, if Jon has taken the dogs out for a short walk, or when he is sleeping, my mind wanders to the fact that someday this is going to be my everyday life. I don't think about it too much as I would be constantly in tears, but it's true, and I can't shake it off. Fears of not being able to remember the sound of his voice, I don't know why, that's a lie, I do know why....I cannot remember my father's voice these days and that is sad. I wont let that happen with Jon, I will find a way to keep hold of every part of him, and I know he will be here beside me whatever happens until I can be with him again.
Enough of the morbid stuff!! It's here and now and I'm so lucky to have my Jon right here with me. Still making me laugh and still teasing me at every opportunity, lol
I just adore his sense of humour and the way he can take me in so easily, life is so good in that respect.
