A year has passed since the love of my life left this earth and took my heart with him.
How I have got this far without him physically by my side, I do not know.....it seems his presence is always with me keeping me going. I am a sceptic as regards folk who have passed away can still be near or even contact you from "the other side", I wish I could be sure this was true. It would be such a comfort if I could truly believe that my Jon could actually see me and be watching over me.
I doubt anyone could convince me that it is so, but I'm glad that it comforts some people when nothing else can.
This year has been for me, a year full of change....some wanted changes others not so welcome. Moving in with my daughter has brought me great happiness, even though I was a little unsure it would work.... ( I don't want to be a burden to her )I'm glad to say so far it is working wonderfully.
We are in the midst of trying to sell her house and buy a new one, this will be a fresh start for us both. Though it seems that I could be turning into a gypsy, this will be my third move in two years! It is something to look to the future for and that is what I have to do.
I still miss my darling so much, that will never ever change.... I still have days when I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, and there are days that seem a little brighter. I am now trying to look forward, this was so important to Jon, that I go forward and not stagnate in a state of self pity. For him I will give it a go, for him I will try to make some sort of life for myself until it's my turn to go to him.
This September, I have also lost my mother...my wonderful funny mum. I'm not sure I'm really dealing with that right now, it still seems unreal and I'm numb as regards any sort of feelings. I miss her and her funny little sayings, and her beautiful smile...I'm angry that she had to suffer so much in her last weeks. No one should have to suffer as she did.
The death of my mother brought home yet again that I didn't have my "rock" by my side, the man who helped me through so many hard times wasn't there. The man who could lift my spirits no matter what, wasn't there....
I wish that I could be a little more positive with my life right now, but everything still hurts so much. I often find myself questioning where I should be on the grieving scale, should I be further on than I am, or am I doing better than I think? I worry that people think I am beginning to live in the past....I can't forget about my darling Jon or my mother. Both of these people are so important in my life, even though they are no longer here with me. Not a day goes by without thoughts of Jon, I "talk" to him often and wonder what he would make of some of the decisions I have made. But I know he would tell me to do what's best for me and not worry about others.
I am now in the week that was so devastating for me last year, this year it is devastating in a different way. I have an overwhelming feeling that as time passes, I am getting further away from my darling Jon. I miss doing the mundane things for him. Like cutting his hair, even trimming his eyebrows, funny as this may sound it was normal everyday life. I miss being able to talk to him about what is happening in life, these things I did take for granted before he got ill.
It took me a good while to come to terms with Jon's diagnosis, which you will know if you have read previous blogs. I always thought that maybe, just maybe we would get more time together.....I guess you call that hope...
Well, hope was taken away from me last year and I had to deal with my total devastation at the loss of my wonderful man.
I don't remember much about the time after his death, at least the first week or so....but now I find myself reliving the few weeks before his death, particularly the hours just before he died. It goes around on a loop in my head.
Those hours before his death have strangely brought me comfort, we had said all there was to be said previously. So those hours were very special, they were the closest I have ever felt to my darling Jon. He was aware I was there and though he couldn't speak to me, he made it known that he knew what I was saying to him. And when he knew it was coming to his last breaths he took my hands and held them.
After this I couldn't let go of his hands for at least an hour, I sat with him for four hours or so after he left this world.
Maybe I shouldn't dwell on these things, maybe I should try and block them out? But I know deep in my heart, that would be wrong. Those hours are more than special to me, those hours help me carry on.
So, in four days time it will be one year on in my life without my darling. Time to get back on the life roundabout and start to make a forward move in my life. I can do this because my precious husband knew I could do it, and I promised him I would.
My funny, loving, precious and all caring husband Jon Roberts has left me with memories of a love and life I never thought I would be privileged to have.
I still miss you, every second of every hour of every day..........I always will my darling, night night xxxxx
Monday 2 November 2015
Thursday 6 August 2015
Part 2......3. August
Time is going by so quickly!!
The family and myself had the charity night in aid of the hospice at the end of June, it was our way of celebrating the life of a wonderful man, my man....
We raised over £1,500 and at the end of this month a further £1,000 will be added to that total :) My niece (as was) was kind enough to sponsor our charity night through her work, Barclaycard, and they added this further amount. So in total it was £2,500 raised for Jon's beloved hospice! He would be so proud to know this.
I celebrated Jon's birthday with a family tea party, birthday cake and all......why shouldn't we celebrate? I miss him more as each day passes.....I have conversations with him in my head, this is easy because for the most part I know exactly what he would say, we knew each other that well.
My health hasn't been so good of late and I've had to have some unpleasant examinations done at the hospital, it's times like this that I SO miss his support. He was the only person who could truly calm me down and help me get things into perspective, I miss that.
My daughter, Donna has become my rock these days, but I feel bad that I have to rely on her.....she has such a lot in life to deal with. Moving in with her has been a blessing, though at the beginning I wasn't sure how it would be.....she is the best daughter in the world and I will never be able to thank her enough.
My mother is seriously ill at this time and the family has been told she will not be coming out of hospital this time round. I'm not sure how I will react when the time comes to say goodbye to my darling mum....it's too soon to go through this again! I can see similar things happening to her as her health diminishes, things I saw in Jon. I can't tell you how much this hurts....my mother has been unwell for a good while now, Dementia being one of the lesser problems she has. But during Jon's illness, from somewhere she managed to be there for me...she couldn't DO a lot, bless her, but her words meant so much at times when I needed her.
How do you say goodbye to the person who bore you and brought you into this world? I am back to looking at the calendar wondering which dreadful day will take her away from me.
November 7th 2014 took my life, my love, my everything away from me.
October 5th 1996 took my wonderful father away from me.
Now there is a date waiting to take another piece of my heart away, just, I don't know it yet.
So the calendar is not my friend (I'm sure others feel the same) it's just time marching on and taking happiness along with it.
On a brighter note (yes there are some!) my youngest son David announced his engagement to the lovely Sarah. That brought me so much happiness :D They are a lovely couple and deserve the very best of futures in front of them. So the planning starts here, I'm sure there will be a few tears along the way, as there always is in these things, but I'm sure it will be fine in the end. I am back to finding a hat! and an outfit, though I do have a little time to consider these things :) Brighter times are coming!
Tilly my beautiful greyhound is still my devoted friend, she loved Jon and now she is my little bit of him, that I still have. She joined the Taylor household along with me and gained a friend in Harriet dog. They love to play and annoy each other lol, she would be lost without Harriet now. They bring me great joy and comfort when I need it.....they make me laugh when they start their cartoon high jinx with each other.
So that is where I'm at in this month of August.
The family and myself had the charity night in aid of the hospice at the end of June, it was our way of celebrating the life of a wonderful man, my man....
We raised over £1,500 and at the end of this month a further £1,000 will be added to that total :) My niece (as was) was kind enough to sponsor our charity night through her work, Barclaycard, and they added this further amount. So in total it was £2,500 raised for Jon's beloved hospice! He would be so proud to know this.
I celebrated Jon's birthday with a family tea party, birthday cake and all......why shouldn't we celebrate? I miss him more as each day passes.....I have conversations with him in my head, this is easy because for the most part I know exactly what he would say, we knew each other that well.
My health hasn't been so good of late and I've had to have some unpleasant examinations done at the hospital, it's times like this that I SO miss his support. He was the only person who could truly calm me down and help me get things into perspective, I miss that.
My daughter, Donna has become my rock these days, but I feel bad that I have to rely on her.....she has such a lot in life to deal with. Moving in with her has been a blessing, though at the beginning I wasn't sure how it would be.....she is the best daughter in the world and I will never be able to thank her enough.
My mother is seriously ill at this time and the family has been told she will not be coming out of hospital this time round. I'm not sure how I will react when the time comes to say goodbye to my darling mum....it's too soon to go through this again! I can see similar things happening to her as her health diminishes, things I saw in Jon. I can't tell you how much this hurts....my mother has been unwell for a good while now, Dementia being one of the lesser problems she has. But during Jon's illness, from somewhere she managed to be there for me...she couldn't DO a lot, bless her, but her words meant so much at times when I needed her.
How do you say goodbye to the person who bore you and brought you into this world? I am back to looking at the calendar wondering which dreadful day will take her away from me.
November 7th 2014 took my life, my love, my everything away from me.
October 5th 1996 took my wonderful father away from me.
Now there is a date waiting to take another piece of my heart away, just, I don't know it yet.
So the calendar is not my friend (I'm sure others feel the same) it's just time marching on and taking happiness along with it.
On a brighter note (yes there are some!) my youngest son David announced his engagement to the lovely Sarah. That brought me so much happiness :D They are a lovely couple and deserve the very best of futures in front of them. So the planning starts here, I'm sure there will be a few tears along the way, as there always is in these things, but I'm sure it will be fine in the end. I am back to finding a hat! and an outfit, though I do have a little time to consider these things :) Brighter times are coming!
Tilly my beautiful greyhound is still my devoted friend, she loved Jon and now she is my little bit of him, that I still have. She joined the Taylor household along with me and gained a friend in Harriet dog. They love to play and annoy each other lol, she would be lost without Harriet now. They bring me great joy and comfort when I need it.....they make me laugh when they start their cartoon high jinx with each other.
So that is where I'm at in this month of August.
Monday 1 June 2015
Part 2.....2. Random Thoughts
I am now into the month of May and time is passing by, sometimes I wish it would pass quicker and I would be a day nearer to being with Jon. Now that is a thought that comes to mind at periods when things look bleaker than usual, Jon would be up in arms if he was here!
I'm trying to untangle a life for myself from this awful emptiness and the cold loneliness of not having my best friend by my side. It's difficult to put it mildly, I, like Jon, have to have a focus, an aim, or I flounder around getting nowhere. How do you find a focus when all that you had is gone?
One of the joys I have found recently is my little garden :) It is by garden standards very small, but it is enough for me right now. I have always loved flowers, and watching them grow and take on a beautiful new face each day through the growing process.
Jon used to buy me lovely cut flowers on a regular basis because he knew I loved them, I miss them. So I took myself off to the shop and bought myself a large bouquet, and it was the best thing I could have done. They reminded me of one of the best things to have happened in my life (Jon) and also brought a smile to my face for the same reason. I have decided I will do this on a regular basis from now on.
My feelings as time goes on are changing too, I miss my darling in a way I will never be able to put down in words. The "face" goes on most days, I don't want to come across as the "miserable widow" to everyone, I have alot to be thankful for. But there are days (and I think there will always be) when I just want to be alone and let the sadness in, I can deal with it then and let it pass. It is so hard trying to hide it when all I want to do is have a good cry or a rant or just generally have the space to think about my darling Jon.
The tears still come, only takes a song or a photo or a situation, and I'm done for.......but in general the long bouts of tears are having a longer space between them. I still get them, those days are dark and I go to bed hoping I wont wake in the morning, something I never thought would happen to me and something in a strange way I'm ashamed of. I shouldn't have thoughts like that, I'm "the strong one" but this "strong one" crumbles from time to time.
On better days I can now smile when I look at photos especially the ones before Jon became ill.....I can laugh at some of the situations we got ourselves into on holidays. We had a good life, a fun life, a life full of love and I will always have that and be able to remember that.
I am now into the month of June........not a month I'm looking forward to. You see, it's Jon's birthday month, his last birthday was quite traumatic in that he was so poorly. But we had a little party for him at the hospice, the family came and of course his beloved hounds. Jon always made an effort to join in the fun even though he was so poorly, he was a hero to me and all who came in contact with him.
This year will be the loneliest and saddest as he wont be here to celebrate.
Me and the family are having a charity night in his name the day before his birthday, hoping to raise lots of money for the hospice who looked after us so well. It's a focus, it will bring me up to his birthday, and hopefully if we can raise a fair amount then this birthday will not be quite so empty.
The "first" of everything that happens in a year is so so hard.... I had my first birthday without him last April, I miss him so much.
I miss him every second of every hour of every day and I can tell you the pain is not getting any easier.
I'm trying to untangle a life for myself from this awful emptiness and the cold loneliness of not having my best friend by my side. It's difficult to put it mildly, I, like Jon, have to have a focus, an aim, or I flounder around getting nowhere. How do you find a focus when all that you had is gone?
One of the joys I have found recently is my little garden :) It is by garden standards very small, but it is enough for me right now. I have always loved flowers, and watching them grow and take on a beautiful new face each day through the growing process.
Jon used to buy me lovely cut flowers on a regular basis because he knew I loved them, I miss them. So I took myself off to the shop and bought myself a large bouquet, and it was the best thing I could have done. They reminded me of one of the best things to have happened in my life (Jon) and also brought a smile to my face for the same reason. I have decided I will do this on a regular basis from now on.
My feelings as time goes on are changing too, I miss my darling in a way I will never be able to put down in words. The "face" goes on most days, I don't want to come across as the "miserable widow" to everyone, I have alot to be thankful for. But there are days (and I think there will always be) when I just want to be alone and let the sadness in, I can deal with it then and let it pass. It is so hard trying to hide it when all I want to do is have a good cry or a rant or just generally have the space to think about my darling Jon.
The tears still come, only takes a song or a photo or a situation, and I'm done for.......but in general the long bouts of tears are having a longer space between them. I still get them, those days are dark and I go to bed hoping I wont wake in the morning, something I never thought would happen to me and something in a strange way I'm ashamed of. I shouldn't have thoughts like that, I'm "the strong one" but this "strong one" crumbles from time to time.
On better days I can now smile when I look at photos especially the ones before Jon became ill.....I can laugh at some of the situations we got ourselves into on holidays. We had a good life, a fun life, a life full of love and I will always have that and be able to remember that.
I am now into the month of June........not a month I'm looking forward to. You see, it's Jon's birthday month, his last birthday was quite traumatic in that he was so poorly. But we had a little party for him at the hospice, the family came and of course his beloved hounds. Jon always made an effort to join in the fun even though he was so poorly, he was a hero to me and all who came in contact with him.
This year will be the loneliest and saddest as he wont be here to celebrate.
Me and the family are having a charity night in his name the day before his birthday, hoping to raise lots of money for the hospice who looked after us so well. It's a focus, it will bring me up to his birthday, and hopefully if we can raise a fair amount then this birthday will not be quite so empty.
The "first" of everything that happens in a year is so so hard.... I had my first birthday without him last April, I miss him so much.
I miss him every second of every hour of every day and I can tell you the pain is not getting any easier.
Monday 30 March 2015
Part 2......1. Life Without Jon
I have decided to start a new section to my original blog A Carer's Journey Through Lung Cancer, this is about life without my darling Jon.
In the months following the death of my darling Jon, life has been pretty "shit" pardon my French! November came and went in a total blur of sadness and whirl of sorting everything out. To be honest I can't remember that much about it, other than the deep ache that took up residence in my heart.
December arrived with the daunting prospect of facing Christmas without my best friend, in fact if it had been cancelled I don't think I would have noticed.
I went through the motions, just as well I'd done it before! It really wasn't the same...waking up to Christmas day without the excitement on both our faces of what our gifts to each other would be. Could have been a pair of socks and I'd have still been SO excited!
Our usual bucks fizz in the morning, didn't bother, Christmas lunch wouldn't have happened if my son, his wife and our lovely grandchildren hadn't invited me to share it with them. They helped me through what would have seemed an endless day if I had been alone......there were smiles, those little terrors always manage to make me smile.
After Christmas came the wedding of my eldest son, I really wasn't sure I could do that, and if it wasn't for the encouragement from all of my children, I'm not sure I could have got through it. But I did :) and on the whole it was a lovely lovely day, just once or twice I felt the tears well up, wishing my darling was by my side.
New Year....... yeah right, I was REALLY looking forward to the start of this one....NOT! But another "first" was got through and life started to even out a little.
The thing that sticks out in my mind is, how hard it is to contemplate doing anything at all without my Jon. Things have a hollowness to them now, and the sadness continually creeps up on me when I least expect it. I try to fend it off but most times it doesn't work and I give in to it.....the tears flow and then I can pick myself up and carry on for a while longer.
I hadn't realised how much the last two years had taken out of me, I have found I am incredibly tired, seem to fall victim to any roaming bug that takes a fancy to attacking my system ( open house in Tina's blood stream lol) I guess that happens to anyone who has been through a similar experience.
So, I have recently moved in with my daughter, and though it's only been a couple of weeks it's been a good couple of weeks. So nice to have someone to chat with for a couple of hours in the evening, I found the loneliness of living alone very hard to deal with. So nice to have someone to listen when I have a wobble. And my gorgeous greyhound Tilly is finding that having Harriet dog for company is actually fun............most of the time lol.
So Tilly and me plus Harrie and Donna are starting out a new life together and with their help at some point life may regain some sort of meaning again.
Until then I have my memories, my precious photos and little items that Jon made for me at the hospice day care. Those small gifts bring me so much pleasure, and make me smile when I think of the way he would be after making them......covered in either paint or glitter :)
My love for my darling Jon will never ever fade, in fact funny as it sounds, I love him more and more as time passes. I have the time to remember the real thought that went into everything he did and said for me. We had/have a love that cannot be measured, I was/am so lucky to have known and loved such a wonderful man.....I will always love Jon Roberts and because of his courage and strength, I will get stronger, strong enough to carry on and make him proud.
In the months following the death of my darling Jon, life has been pretty "shit" pardon my French! November came and went in a total blur of sadness and whirl of sorting everything out. To be honest I can't remember that much about it, other than the deep ache that took up residence in my heart.
December arrived with the daunting prospect of facing Christmas without my best friend, in fact if it had been cancelled I don't think I would have noticed.
I went through the motions, just as well I'd done it before! It really wasn't the same...waking up to Christmas day without the excitement on both our faces of what our gifts to each other would be. Could have been a pair of socks and I'd have still been SO excited!
Our usual bucks fizz in the morning, didn't bother, Christmas lunch wouldn't have happened if my son, his wife and our lovely grandchildren hadn't invited me to share it with them. They helped me through what would have seemed an endless day if I had been alone......there were smiles, those little terrors always manage to make me smile.
After Christmas came the wedding of my eldest son, I really wasn't sure I could do that, and if it wasn't for the encouragement from all of my children, I'm not sure I could have got through it. But I did :) and on the whole it was a lovely lovely day, just once or twice I felt the tears well up, wishing my darling was by my side.
New Year....... yeah right, I was REALLY looking forward to the start of this one....NOT! But another "first" was got through and life started to even out a little.
The thing that sticks out in my mind is, how hard it is to contemplate doing anything at all without my Jon. Things have a hollowness to them now, and the sadness continually creeps up on me when I least expect it. I try to fend it off but most times it doesn't work and I give in to it.....the tears flow and then I can pick myself up and carry on for a while longer.
I hadn't realised how much the last two years had taken out of me, I have found I am incredibly tired, seem to fall victim to any roaming bug that takes a fancy to attacking my system ( open house in Tina's blood stream lol) I guess that happens to anyone who has been through a similar experience.
So, I have recently moved in with my daughter, and though it's only been a couple of weeks it's been a good couple of weeks. So nice to have someone to chat with for a couple of hours in the evening, I found the loneliness of living alone very hard to deal with. So nice to have someone to listen when I have a wobble. And my gorgeous greyhound Tilly is finding that having Harriet dog for company is actually fun............most of the time lol.
So Tilly and me plus Harrie and Donna are starting out a new life together and with their help at some point life may regain some sort of meaning again.
Until then I have my memories, my precious photos and little items that Jon made for me at the hospice day care. Those small gifts bring me so much pleasure, and make me smile when I think of the way he would be after making them......covered in either paint or glitter :)
My love for my darling Jon will never ever fade, in fact funny as it sounds, I love him more and more as time passes. I have the time to remember the real thought that went into everything he did and said for me. We had/have a love that cannot be measured, I was/am so lucky to have known and loved such a wonderful man.....I will always love Jon Roberts and because of his courage and strength, I will get stronger, strong enough to carry on and make him proud.
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