A year has passed since the love of my life left this earth and took my heart with him.
How I have got this far without him physically by my side, I do not know.....it seems his presence is always with me keeping me going. I am a sceptic as regards folk who have passed away can still be near or even contact you from "the other side", I wish I could be sure this was true. It would be such a comfort if I could truly believe that my Jon could actually see me and be watching over me.
I doubt anyone could convince me that it is so, but I'm glad that it comforts some people when nothing else can.
This year has been for me, a year full of change....some wanted changes others not so welcome. Moving in with my daughter has brought me great happiness, even though I was a little unsure it would work.... ( I don't want to be a burden to her )I'm glad to say so far it is working wonderfully.
We are in the midst of trying to sell her house and buy a new one, this will be a fresh start for us both. Though it seems that I could be turning into a gypsy, this will be my third move in two years! It is something to look to the future for and that is what I have to do.
I still miss my darling so much, that will never ever change.... I still have days when I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, and there are days that seem a little brighter. I am now trying to look forward, this was so important to Jon, that I go forward and not stagnate in a state of self pity. For him I will give it a go, for him I will try to make some sort of life for myself until it's my turn to go to him.
This September, I have also lost my mother...my wonderful funny mum. I'm not sure I'm really dealing with that right now, it still seems unreal and I'm numb as regards any sort of feelings. I miss her and her funny little sayings, and her beautiful smile...I'm angry that she had to suffer so much in her last weeks. No one should have to suffer as she did.
The death of my mother brought home yet again that I didn't have my "rock" by my side, the man who helped me through so many hard times wasn't there. The man who could lift my spirits no matter what, wasn't there....
I wish that I could be a little more positive with my life right now, but everything still hurts so much. I often find myself questioning where I should be on the grieving scale, should I be further on than I am, or am I doing better than I think? I worry that people think I am beginning to live in the past....I can't forget about my darling Jon or my mother. Both of these people are so important in my life, even though they are no longer here with me. Not a day goes by without thoughts of Jon, I "talk" to him often and wonder what he would make of some of the decisions I have made. But I know he would tell me to do what's best for me and not worry about others.
I am now in the week that was so devastating for me last year, this year it is devastating in a different way. I have an overwhelming feeling that as time passes, I am getting further away from my darling Jon. I miss doing the mundane things for him. Like cutting his hair, even trimming his eyebrows, funny as this may sound it was normal everyday life. I miss being able to talk to him about what is happening in life, these things I did take for granted before he got ill.
It took me a good while to come to terms with Jon's diagnosis, which you will know if you have read previous blogs. I always thought that maybe, just maybe we would get more time together.....I guess you call that hope...
Well, hope was taken away from me last year and I had to deal with my total devastation at the loss of my wonderful man.
I don't remember much about the time after his death, at least the first week or so....but now I find myself reliving the few weeks before his death, particularly the hours just before he died. It goes around on a loop in my head.
Those hours before his death have strangely brought me comfort, we had said all there was to be said previously. So those hours were very special, they were the closest I have ever felt to my darling Jon. He was aware I was there and though he couldn't speak to me, he made it known that he knew what I was saying to him. And when he knew it was coming to his last breaths he took my hands and held them.
After this I couldn't let go of his hands for at least an hour, I sat with him for four hours or so after he left this world.
Maybe I shouldn't dwell on these things, maybe I should try and block them out? But I know deep in my heart, that would be wrong. Those hours are more than special to me, those hours help me carry on.
So, in four days time it will be one year on in my life without my darling. Time to get back on the life roundabout and start to make a forward move in my life. I can do this because my precious husband knew I could do it, and I promised him I would.
My funny, loving, precious and all caring husband Jon Roberts has left me with memories of a love and life I never thought I would be privileged to have.
I still miss you, every second of every hour of every day..........I always will my darling, night night xxxxx
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