Time has passed, it's a long 17 months since my darling Jon went away. I'm still so very hurt and sad, right now it seems in a different way....it's a deeper hurt, a deeper sadness, a deeper loss and a total emptiness inside my whole body.
Life goes on....it will get easier....time heals...blah blah blah....believe me, it bloody doesn't!! I wait expectantly for a day to come that the hurt will ease.......it hasn't come yet.
I try not to "bore" people with how I'm feeling, they don't want to know the same old thing yet again. But I live with this "same old thing" day in day out.
I'm supposed to be getting stronger as time goes on....I'm not....to get up each day and try to function is a huge effort. I'm not saying this for effect, it really is an effort, I talk about Jon as if he is still here...I guess people think I should stop that? I can't, he is part of my life and I won't apologise for keeping him in it. I don't want sympathy if I make a statement that I'm feeling sad or I cry, that's not what it's about. It's about people accepting that it's not a good minute, hour, day and letting me get through it by helping me. Helping by means of letting me talk about Jon and by them talking about Jon. I don't want him to be forgotten, the people who were his friends should talk about him, family should mention him from time to time, and remember the fun times. It won't hurt me it will make me happy that they cared enough to speak of him.
It's a whole new world of finding how to carry on without your other half, at least for me it is. I think Jon would have handled things much better if it had been the other way round. He was a no nonsense sort of guy, but behind that facade was a deeply caring, loving and kind man. He wasn't perfect by any means and he knew that, but he was perfect for me.
I miss every single thing about that man, from the slightly annoying things he did, to the wonderful, sometimes silly things that he did for me or anyone that needed something.
I'm so very sad that he won't get to meet his new grandchild, he would have been delighted to have met and loved that little boy or girl. He loved his two other grandchildren, and when they said something funny or simply played with grandad it made him so happy and proud.
He was also right (I think) about there being nothing after death....I hung on to the hope that maybe just maybe there could be a "message" or SOMETHING that would show me he was still around somewhere out there.
So, every little thing that I try to hang onto is slowly disappearing and I'm left floating about trying to get my life in order. Do I have the energy or even the interest in sorting my life? Most days the answer is no....now and again I get a glimpse of the "old" me, but it's only a glimpse.
So, 17 months on and life is.....well, just life.
