It's been a while since I wrote anything in my blog, alot has happened in the last couple of months.
We have moved house and are now trying to settle into our new home, during this time Jon became overly tired which led to him again coughing up blood. We have decided it was due to him doing far too much which led to the bleeding. It's been a couple of weeks since then and it seems to be settling down again.
He has had an "extra" scan looking for blood clots in the lung, but I guess they haven't found any as we haven't had the results yet.
We have both been very tired over the last couple of weeks and have had little time for the usual chit chat, there was/is always something to do. The upside I suppose is, we are focused on something other than cancer right now....it's never far away though, chipping away in the background.
We are awaiting the oncology appointment in early May now, then we will have a clearer picture of what the near future will bring.
Since I started writing this particular blog, things have started to change, and not for the better. My darling has shown signs of deterioration, it's happened fairly quickly. The fatigue has got so much worse, even walking his beloved dogs is taking it's toll.....sleep seems to be taking over his life and bringing him heartache and frustration, he cannot do the things he wants to do. Appetite is dwindling yet again, breathing is more of an effort and that cough is more hacking.
I have observed this on a day to day basis and now find I cannot make any more excuses, it's no longer "the move" or the stopping of steroids....it's this damned disease taking a little more of my brave husband.
To say I'm scared is an understatement, to say I'm sad is an understatement, to say I'm angry with this bloody cancer, is an understatement.......to say cancer holds my whole life in it's hands, is not an understatement.
To watch this day in day out, is heart breaking....god knows what it must feel like to have this disease dictating how you live your life......but my brave, stubborn, wonderful husband keeps going to the best of his ability. As each day passes I can feel the fear of the future creeping up on me as it comes ever closer, how do I deal with that? How do WE deal with that? How the hell can I help him???
The only hope I have right now is that there is one possible reason for these symptoms worsening, and I hold on to that. Jon has a small amount of fluid around his heart, it's ironic really, I'm hoping that the fluid has increased and that is the cause...... and the reason for this thought? They can actually DO something about that!
If it's not that, then the worst is happening and I don't want to think about it at all...................
I look back at my life, had alot of ups and downs, childhood was nothing to remember for me, I have 3 brothers and 3 sisters and I have had ups and downs with them, as we all do if we have siblings. My first marriage ended and not on good terms either, but I will say, that first marriage brought me the precious gifts of my four beautiful loving caring children, for that I can thank my first husband.
But in some ways my life started almost 13 years ago when I met my darling Jon, that's when I realised what true love was. This man has brought so much to my life, love, happiness, laughter, and a cheeky sense of humour..and you know what? I wouldn't change a second of it!!!
So when I'm feeling sorry for myself I look at my life as it is now and know that there is no better soulmate, friend, lover than my Jon. I need to "get over it" and get on with the fight, I'm a poor loser cancer, so you have a fight on your hands...I'm NOT letting go that easily!!!
It's hard to try and put my feelings into words, and sometimes I think to you out there who take the time to read this, it must seem like just a jumble of words.
The only words I can think of that make sense, is, I'm so very scared....................
