22. Terror!

This last few weeks have been horrendous! I cannot put into words the terror the last few weeks have brought into my life.

Mid June Jon started to lose ground with this awful disease, and he started chemo for the last time. June 16th, that is the day my life was yet again turned upside down.
We went along for chemo, which this time was to be given at a reduced dose, and that reduced dose would be given over two weeks. The chemo passed with no problems....until the evening.
Jon was sleeping, which was nothing unusual these days, but when he awoke he had a slight temperature and seemed confused. I got onto the triage nurse, who said I had to get him to A&E, which I did...by ambulance. Blue lights going and A&E on alert for him......at this point I did not know about the latter part. Blood tests done, head scan done and obs done. His blood sugar was sky high, his oxygen levels were quite low and Pneumonia was diagnosed.
He was kept overnight (not a good experience!) and the next day was admitted to the local hospice. They gave him IV antibiotics and fluids. After a few days we thought all was starting to level out, how wrong could we be!
A few days later, on 23rd June, Jon took a turn for the worst.......

I was told to get all the family that needed to be there to come up, Jon was unresponsive.....
We stayed all night and were expecting the worst. But, Jon being Jon decided his time was not up just yet! Later the following morning he came round :) He was far from well, but was back with us. I have never been so grateful to see those eyes open and wondering what all the fuss was about lol
If it wasn't for the hospice staff, doing all they could for my darling Jon, he would not be here today. I cannot thank them enough!

Since then Jon has remained in the hospice receiving treatment, it's almost three weeks now and I miss him more than I can ever say.
He has lost some ground now, but is fighting his way back to being as good as he can be. He now has to have oxygen from time to time and this has also been installed at home for when he is well enough to come home. If he has to walk any distance or is particularly tired he now has a walking aid, I am so proud that he realises these sort of aids are there for his benefit and nothing more.
Adjusting to life with help can be hard, but if you want quality of life I think you must, as time moves on, use what you can and not think of the negatives in using aids. It is a small price to pay to go on living and being as independent as you can.

During this time I have been at my lowest ebb, the feeling of terror, loneliness and complete powerlessness have at times overwhelmed me. I have relied very heavily on my children to help me through, particularly my lovely daughter Donna.
While Jon has been in the hospice we lost our beloved greyhound Boss, he took very poorly and I had alot of rushing round trying to get help for him. Sadly nothing could be done even though the vet did all in her power to try to save him. Boss was "our baby" and kneeling next to him stroking his head while he was put out of his misery, broke my heart.
I then had to tell Jon our "baby" was gone.
It seems that everything has come at once.....I am tired, I am sad and I am lonely.

I am now looking to when Jon can come home, this will be in a week or two if all goes well, and I CAN'T WAIT!
This has been the hardest period in my life as a wife and carer, I thought it had been hard before this, but, boy was I wrong. It brought the reality of losing Jon so much closer, and I don't like it one bit!



                                                         

On a lighter note, we attended the first screening of the hospice dvd night, this dvd is to be used for training and possibly fundraising. Jon was asked to take part in it's making along with other patients and carers, he did a wonderful job and I am again so proud of him. He got an award certificate for his part in the making :)

It was a wonderful evening and it was nice to get "dressed up" we don't do that as often now.
Life is hard, very hard, but it also has a wonderful side! He is here with me and will be for a while yet!
The motto is--- NEVER EVER GIVE UP!!! Life is too precious to do that.

21. Never ending story....

This past month has been an eye opener......scans and results, hurt and sadness, but beyond that love and hope.

To say I have been through the wringer is an understatement, mostly due to myself and with a little help from oncology.
Where to start.....
Feelings,  well my feelings have been on quite a roller coaster ranging between happiness, a terrible loneliness,  and sheer anger! The happiness is the day to day life that is still here, having my Jon still here and knowing that we love each other more than life itself.
The loneliness is at trying to keep hold of myself while doing all I can to care for and love my Jon.
The anger started rising around the time the tears dried up. Crying (from time to time) was/is a release of tension for me, and I feel so much better when I stop and pull myself together. But for some reason for a period, the tears just wouldn't come and so the tension built up.
What was I angry with? The answer to that was everything! It is, I have since found out, a normal thing in the life of anyone who is dealing with something stressful in their life.
I was so angry with the situation Jon and me find ourselves in, resentful that our life has changed so drastically with no hope of ever getting back what we once had. I have tried all the way through this journey (there's that damn stupid word again!) not to dwell on the past and what once was, but now and again it all catches up with me.
I am angry that you get told one thing one minute, then it changes the next minute, I am talking about the medical outlook on Jon's health now, and not the prognosis, that never changes. I want certainty, and realistically I am never going to get that am I?
Not being able to plan ahead with even the simplest of plans is so frustrating!
Anyway, my saviour in all of this anger and frustration has been my wonderful counsellor Helen from our hospice. That lady has a way of presenting the picture I have of life in the present, in such a way that makes me feel all of my feelings are actually worth the time I spend on them. As long as I work through them, get them out there, and put them away dealt with.
With the help of Helen I have taken some time and have been able to sort out the negative feelings and dwell more on the positives.....and yes, there are so many more positives than you might think.
Since doing that, the tears (not too often) have returned and the tension gets released.

Jon has been on a month of steroids, which has just come to an end.....and now the "crash" of ending them has started. The main one at the moment is the extreme fatigue, and breathlessness, this hopefully should level off in a week or two. He finds this very frustrating as it limits his daily life in what he can do, but, we both learn to order our day so he can get the most out of it.
I cannot explain in words just how heart wrenching it is to have to watch all this going on, and not be able to stop it. All I can do is make sure all the medication is taken and that he eats/drinks and sleeps as much as he can. Doesn't seem enough somehow.....
It may sound to you the reader, that life is running at a low right now....but that wouldn't be completely true, we do have some wonderful times! Just having the company of this man I love dearly, watching tv or having a meal together, sharing funny moments and jokes, outweighs all the less happy times.
All of what we are going through has made me appreciate the "small things" in life, things that I have overlooked before. It may sound a bit silly, but taking the time to stand and look at the sky at night, the flowers in the sunshine etc and even the rain as it falls. All things I have taken for granted before.....this is life!! It's not until your life is shaken to the core that you realise just how much is going on around you that you simply "miss" out on every single day.

A week or so on from the last paragraph and things changed, the steroid "crash" came and caused a few problems. All of Jon's symptoms worsened and eventually I had to get the Macmillan nurse in, I cannot praise her enough, she was on it right away and sorted more meds out to help. He is now back on steroids for a while longer, then my darling will have to go through the "crash" yet again.

Sometimes I feel sadder than at other times, at times like that, I look around the rooms in our house and look at all the wonderful photos that remind me of all the special times we have been privileged to have. We still have more special times ahead of us, of that I'm sure, and those times will keep us going and see us through :)
I read alot from other "carers" and I think the most central thing in their/my life, is fighting to be heard by medical staff. I/we get the impression "they" know best and I/we know nothing........but, we KNOW the person being treated, we love them dearly and know when something isn't right. My greatest wish is to be heard........without being patronised or even ignored. In my case, I know my darling, I know when things are not quite right. The only exception to this is our Macmillan nurse, she listens to both of us, and she doesn't make me feel like a spare part in my own life.

This darling man is the reason I will fight to the best of my ability to make sure he gets the best care possible, it's what he deserves!! AND he would do the same for me.........that's what love does, simple as!

Onwards and upwards! This month is Jon's birthday, he will have made it through a whole year of getting "money out of this bloody goverment", meaning his pension lol. This is something to really celebrate!
Now I have to try and figure out what on earth to get him for a present, we have had this for years, me asking what would he like and him saying "nothing", ha! Don't think it would go down too well if I decided to take him at his word :)
That scenario is just a little peek back into "normal" life, and that is vital to keep us going, and by god we will keep going.

20. Life Goes On

It's been a while since I wrote anything in my blog, alot has happened in the last couple of months.
We have moved house and are now trying to settle into our new home, during this time Jon became overly tired which led to him again coughing up blood. We have decided it was due to him doing far too much which led to the bleeding. It's been a couple of weeks since then and it seems to be settling down again.
He has had an "extra" scan looking for blood clots in the lung, but I guess they haven't found any as we haven't had the results yet.
We have both been very tired over the last couple of weeks and have had little time for the usual chit chat, there was/is always something to do. The upside I suppose is, we are focused on something other than cancer right now....it's never far away though, chipping away in the background.

We are awaiting the oncology appointment in early May now, then we will have a clearer picture of what the near future will bring.

Since I started writing this particular blog, things have started to change, and not for the better. My darling has shown signs of deterioration, it's happened fairly quickly. The fatigue has got so much worse, even walking his beloved dogs is taking it's toll.....sleep seems to be taking over his life and bringing him heartache and frustration, he cannot do the things he wants to do. Appetite is dwindling yet again, breathing is more of an effort and that cough is more hacking.
I have observed this on a day to day basis and now find I cannot make any more excuses, it's no longer "the move" or the stopping of steroids....it's this damned disease taking a little more of my brave husband.
To say I'm scared is an understatement, to say I'm sad is an understatement, to say I'm angry with this bloody cancer, is an understatement.......to say cancer holds my whole life in it's hands, is not an understatement.
To watch this day in day out, is heart breaking....god knows what it must feel like to have this disease dictating  how you live your life......but my brave, stubborn, wonderful husband keeps going to the best of his ability. As each day passes I can feel the fear of the future creeping up on me as it comes ever closer, how do I deal with that? How do WE deal with that? How the hell can I help him???

The only hope I have right now is that there is one possible reason for these symptoms worsening, and I hold on to that. Jon has a small amount of fluid around his heart, it's ironic really, I'm hoping that the fluid has increased and that is the cause...... and the reason for this thought? They can actually DO something about that!
If it's not that, then the worst is happening and I don't want to think about it at all...................

I look back at my life, had alot of ups and downs, childhood was nothing to remember for me, I have 3 brothers and 3 sisters and I have had ups and downs with them, as we all do if we have siblings. My first marriage ended and not on good terms either, but I will say, that first marriage brought me the precious gifts of my four beautiful loving caring children, for that I can thank my first husband.
But in some ways my life started almost 13 years ago when I met my darling Jon, that's when I realised what true love was. This man has brought so much to my life, love, happiness, laughter, and a cheeky sense of humour..and you know what? I wouldn't change a second of it!!!
So when I'm feeling sorry for myself I look at my life as it is now and know that there is no  better soulmate, friend, lover than my Jon. I need to "get over it" and get on with the fight, I'm a poor loser cancer, so you have a fight on your hands...I'm NOT letting go that easily!!!

It's hard to try and put my feelings into words, and sometimes I think to you out there who take the time to read this, it must seem like just a jumble of words.
The only words I can think of that make sense, is, I'm so very scared....................

19. Changing Times

After having a good Christmas, things went a little bleaker....my own health took a down turn, and this I think was due to me being run down. I picked up a bug around Christmas time and now we are into the second week of January and I still have it. Being in low spirits your mind runs riot, is it really just a bug or god forbid, is it something more sinister....having seen four doctors up to now, who don't really know what it is, I'm not a happy bunny. The doctor I have the most trust in, doesn't seem to think it's anything too serious, so it's a case of letting it run it's course. Funny how things you would have dismissed in the past, seem so much worse at times like this. I haven't got time for all this messing about, I need to be well to take care of Jon. I myself am feeling physically tired right now and can get tearful at times, I haven't felt the anger coming to the surface recently, which is good :)  The one thing Jon has taught me through all of this, is, not to give in to self pity!! It gets you nowhere and just brings out negative feelings.
I have also taken the step to resign from my work, it feels a little sad to do that but I wont, in all reality be going back to work now, so it's retirement for me. This isn't the situation I thought I would be in when it came to retirement, it was supposed to come at a time when we could enjoy the later years of our lives doing what we wanted without the restrictions of working. Don't get me wrong, this is the right decision for me, I want and need to spend my time with my darling...so that's that.
Looking back at how our lives have changed in such a short time brings  sadness, but it also brings soooo much joy and contentment because we have the time to talk with each other....not just about cancer, but everyday things, silly things and to just enjoy each others company. That is such a rich gift to be treasured.
People who have a family member with this damned disease will tell you that at times it can be soul destroying, with all that comes with it, the mood swings from their loved one, these can range from full blown anger to tears and despair. Jon has had a range of emotions at times, which have affected me as well some of the time, I miss what we had...BUT, it's gone and we have a "new" life to deal with. I can say with no doubt, the love I have for him will NEVER change, no matter what we have to go through. Frustration can be a trying thing.

Jon has been in very good spirits mentally for a good few weeks, and that is so good to see :) But he is starting to lose some weight now, though in saying that, he isn't eating well so that could explain it. His breathing is a little worse in that he gets breathless quicker than he used to, and the fatigue is another hurdle he has to deal with day in day out. My amazing husband is dealing with it all in his own courageous, positive way....he will never give in, the cancer may eventually have its way, but he wont give in!

So hard not to think the worst, but I try to reign my feelings in as much as I can. The scan date has arrived in the post, 3rd February 2014, Oncologist 11th February 2014...at time of writing this section we are mid way through January. It's not a long time to wait for the scan, but it's such a long time in my mind when we need to know what's going on! I hate living from scan to scan, it hurts and it brings so much anxiety and uncertainty along with it, if you have never had to go through this, you wont really understand what I'm talking about.
I was asked how I coped day to day, my answer? Some days you don't cope, other days you shut down inside and go into automatic pilot and then maybe you can cope. Then there are the lighter days when it's all good and you cope more easily.

Anxiety has reared its head more often in the last few weeks, so much so that it has affected me more and more with the physical side of life. I never realised before this that anxiety could actually come out in physical ways...I know it now! Now I know what I'm dealing with, I will find my way through it.
Because of this our wonderful Macmillan nurse has stepped in on my behalf, she is arranging for me to have some "me" time. This is through a group for carers called Wired Wirral, never had anything to do with them before, but in case anyone out there is reading this and is also a carer (UK) you too could benefit by contacting them.
Now, back to our Macmillan nurse, she is a guiding light for us at this time, she constantly monitors Jon and is always looking at ways of improving his quality of life. If there is anything at all that might help him, medically, she is on it right away. She also listens, and that my friends is so important to both of us.....sometimes that is all you need, a listening ear.

We are now entering February, and I can't tell you how hard this next week or so will be..... Jon has his scan on Monday and then a week later we will have the results. When scan time comes around I become anxious and scared, I want to know.....and I don't want to know. But time will carry on and we will soon find out what this scan has to say, I just hope and pray it wont be something I don't want to hear. I see changes in my darling and my mind jumps to the worst, then I check myself and try to get a handle on all these thoughts rushing round my head...most times I can do it, sometimes I can't. The hardest thing is trying to explain how I feel to others, it seems like a constant battle and I try to tell people how I feel, and mostly fail miserably. They can't understand, why should they? I hope to god they are never in a situation were they can understand!

Scan done, and half way through the week now, it seems this week is endless....time goes quickly when you don't want it to, but when you want it to pass, it just lingers on. I am at a high level of stress, trying so hard to keep a lid on it....for the most part I think I'm doing ok, but at times giving in to the horror of it all. This is the time when sharing my feelings with others going through the same thing in the Macmillan Community, helps such alot. I am not alone, it helps, though I would not wish this on anyone.....

Results in, tumours growing, though at a slow rate :)  If things remain the same then 6-12 months or so, providing the tumours don't "explode" into action......chemo is now on the table if Jon wants it. He can ask for it at any time. Consultant thinks best way forward is to do nothing at this time and go for chemo if the tumours gather speed. That is a discussion for another day.
Again we have results, but no answers to it all, limbo time again for another three months.....sooo mentally exhausting.
I find at times I can't summon the strength to converse on the subject of cancer and our lives, right now that is one of those times. Getting my feelings out on here does help, I need to clear my head and look to the future.

Courage is not the absence of fear,

but rather, the judgement that something else is more important than fear.

18. December 2013

The last month of the year has brought various things to us, some good, some not so good. December brings Christmas to the forefront for everyone, but right from the beginning of this month I could feel the stress building.
I had a mild virus early in the month, which unfortunately Jon caught and it made him quite poorly. This was the start of the real stress, coping with "normal" illness is so much more of an ordeal in someone who has a major problem already. With the help of the GP and the district nurses we got through it, but it really took it out of Jon, which in turn made me feel guilty as he had got it from me.
I have come to notice more and more, in both Jon and myself, that mood and emotion changes are now becoming more apparent, and that is another thing along this journey that we both have to come to terms with. It can be hard, but we both know it's part of cancer sadly.
I came to a point during this month, that I felt "all cancered out" I did not want to talk about it, read about it, or deal with it. I felt so overwhelmed by whole thing and would have told anyone in no uncertain terms what I thought of them if they had brought it up.
I had not really been looking after myself during this time, not eating properly etc and had become quite run down. It took the district nurse pointing this out to me before I really realised what was happening. How could I possibly give my all to caring for Jon if I was not up to scratch? That brought me back to my senses lol and I am now sorting myself out.
Our spirits started to lift as the month went on, Jon was back at the hospice day center for a few more weeks and the Christmas party was on the horizon. Last year we enjoyed the party so much, even though at that point Jon was on chemo, this year it was really good and we both enjoyed the fun and friendship without having chemo holding Jon back.
Christmas Day arrived and we hoped it would be a good day.....it was far more than that! We had the best Christmas in a long while :) we relaxed and totally enjoyed the day. Visits from our children during the day really made it for us, and in between we could relax in each others company. There were so many smiles and lots of laughter, and we were as happy as we could be in this situation. The same could be said of Boxing Day, we enjoyed time with the children and grand children, bringing more smiles.
I took lots of photos, lots of smiles and happiness.
To say we were blessed this Christmas doesn't seem enough really.

We now have the New Year looming in front of us, not knowing what it will bring, but we will face it with a positive attitude....that is all that we can do. The end of January brings the dreaded scan, and all the emotions and questions that come along with it. Will the tumours have grown again? How much have they grown? Will they decide to try and treat it for a bit longer? This has suddenly become an option of sorts....though I'm not as yet convinced that they will actually give it. If they do, will Jon be able to cope with yet more harsh treatment?
The uncertainty of it all, can at times become overpowering.....this is when you have to get a grip, pull your socks up, grit your teeth and tell yourself, whatever is decided I/we can and will deal with it.
So into the New Year we will go, positive that we will cope and carry on fighting this monster, keeping it at bay for as long as we can.

I wish you all a very happy and healthy New Year, just keep in mind, tell those you hold dear, that you love them as often as you can. Because a life can change in the twinkling of an eye and that chance may be gone.

17. A Fine Line

There is a fine line between positivity and despair, this last few weeks has been such a struggle for me. I would not usually dwell on the more anxious side to my life during this journey, but I feel I have to if I'm to be any help at all to those who are on a similar journey. Life with cancer is the hardest thing I guess anyone can deal with, and yes, there are some very dark times. For myself I find some times so difficult to deal with and at some points feel I can no longer do this. These times thankfully pass reasonably quickly!

The loneliness felt at these times is hard to describe, the feeling of being deserted by those who you had hoped would be a support to you can be overwhelming ( children not included in this). I realise that people have their own lives and problems to deal with and that comes first in their lives, and that is the way it should be....but, this journey has taught me a great lesson.......not everyone, sadly, can be counted on!
I hope that these people never have to face this horrible disease in their own lives, for then, they will know how it feels. I have become "harder" now, I will no longer be there for others, for those who have shuffled me/us out of their thoughts (for various reasons) I have started to become more selfish. The reason for this is purely self preservation.....I haven't got the energy or time to "worry" why people are being this way.

Things change as time goes by, prognosis changes slightly with each different oncologist we meet, and we have met many....just when you think you have it all sorted in your head, bam! there is a different angle thrown at you. All with the same outcome however they dress it up. That my friends is very hard to deal with, at least for me.
I have found that all of this is having a negative effect on my own health, which all of us carers find out at some point. No matter how hard you try not to let it, this whole journey changes a person, neither in a good or bad way...you are never the same person as you were before all this happened. For me personally, I have less patience with the "stupid" energy draining worries and have become less tolerant. I am angry that life has changed so much and there is very little I can do about it. But I have to deal with it and that's that.

Some things have surprised me, in a good way :) People who have no real connection with me/us have been so kind and helpful and that gives me so much joy and hope in  human kind. I have "spoken" to other carers on line, all dealing with this same journey and have found, the feelings I have are not uncommon (as I thought) and have read some situations that have brought me to tears. We the carers have a hard job, we have to watch our loved one go through all that cancer brings, trying to help and also keep "normal" things going. Sometimes we have to voice our feelings and thoughts on different aspects of treatment to medical staff, this can be hard, some medics appear not to listen or just brush you aside....sometimes, someone will listen. All of this takes energy, and all of this is undertaken ultimately for the benefit of the loved one we care for.

What I am trying to say is, I adore my darling Jon, as other carers love their loved ones.....but it is a very hard job to make sure they are cared for to the best level available. Because loving Jon means I have to get the best for him in whatever way that is. We also have to keep ourselves on an even keel, that too is very hard.

To my fellow carers, I have total respect for you all and my heart goes out to all who are struggling TODAY..... everyone struggles, but if it's your turn today, I send you a huge hug!

16. Dark Clouds Hover

Now that darker days have come with winter pressing in towards us, I feel that dark clouds are beginning to hover over our lives.
Jon is looking quite well, as everyone tells me...but I know how things really are. Fatigue is becoming more and more prominent in his life, he is getting more tired as days pass. We both know what this can mean, but right now we have not said it out loud, we hang on to the fact that he is still mobile, to a point, and he can still get his beloved dogs out for a short walk.
It is at times when I can see the tiredness and the sheer frustration with it all, that my heart breaks a little more. I have said it time and again, I so want to stop what this damn disease is doing to my darling husband....but I can't!
Last scan showed no further spread of the cancer, but the new mets are growing, all be it slowly.... I will never get used to this feeling of helplessness, never get used to seeing my Jon trying with all of his might to carry on to the best of his ability, and watching it get harder and harder for him. I would give anything to be able to take this away from him, but this is reality, it's not going to happen.
It's only a few weeks away from Christmas, as everyone that knows me, knows that it is my favourite time of year. I drive everyone to distraction talking about it all the time...but this year, excepting miracles, ( and they do happen!) will be our last one together and it's so very sad. On a positive note, we have had 14 months together since the 6 month diagnosis given at the first oncology appointment :) We are now on the final run, and no one knows how long that will be, but for every day we get I give thanks.
In the time we have been married I have come to know that Jon does everything in life with gusto and I love it! Now I see the man I love approaching this part of his life with same dogged determination to fight this illness with all he has. I stand back and cheer him on and help him as much as I can.
But, there is reality in all of this, we have come to the time were we have started to discuss the end of his life. I can tell you, it's discussion I never wanted to have to face, but if Jon can face it, then so can I!
If someone you love dies suddenly, then you have no time to discuss things like this and you have to muddle through best you can. With this disease you have the time, there is good and bad to both sides, but having to talk about it with the love of your life and try to make vague decisions about what is going to happen, is very hard. Jon has made me aware of his wishes, but he has left the final decisions down to me....I just hope I can do him proud!
I am at great risk of repeating myself in this blog, so please forgive me if I do, it's a blog to help others, but mainly to help me process what is happening in our lives. I could never have asked for a more loving husband than I have in Jon, he is always putting me first though sometimes I wish he would put himself first. Any medical staff that come into contact with him, district nurses etc, he makes sure they know that I am his priority and nothing else. I also let them know that he is my priority and if I think something is not quite right I will go ahead and make it known...not sure Jon appreciates that part lol.
I try hard not to let my mind wander to darker times ahead, but now and then I lose the fight on that one and that's when my dark cloud engulfs me and tears flow like a raging river. I rant at the world and take it out on those close to me, here and now I wish to thank all who stand by me through this ordeal and "put up" with my tears and rants, especially my children. Most of all I thank my darling Jon for helping me through all of this, when he has so much more to deal with.
I often wonder at how we all make our mark in life before our time is up...for me, my mark is, I have four wonderful children and two gorgeous grandchildren (so far!) they have brought more wonderful people into my life with partners and friends. So the mark for me is my children...the mark for Jon and me is..in some small way we have brought the dreadful disease Lung Cancer a bit more to the forefront and help people to realise it's not just a smokers disease, anyone, smoker or not can get  Lung Cancer.
Jon and me have not had such a long time together in the great scheme of things, but we have had such a good life together and we have a bit longer yet! I treasure everyday, treasure every time we get to smile together, laugh and be silly together. Treasure the time I have with him to tell him how much I love him and to thank who or whatever brought us together to give us a taste of heaven. No one could ever fill the place Jon has in my heart and soul, it's impossible....simply that.
So as Christmas approaches, it's time to try to put sadder things to one side and go forward to have the best Christmas ever!! Simple things like this are to be treasured as memory makers and not, as before, taken for granted. I will try for the rest of my life, never to take life for granted again. Life is to be lived and loved before we all say goodbye to this world, otherwise what is the point of it all? The best mark to leave in life, is a smile on faces when your name is mentioned :)