Coming up to the next course of treatment, the last course of treatment, brings all sorts of feelings to the forefront. Feelings that verge on hope, feeling that verge on despair, what will this treatment bring? How will it affect Jon? How will it affect me? I hope I am better prepared for this than the first time, I have a rough idea of how things will be. I know it will be a rough ride for me and Jon, and I hope I can be more open about it and how I feel. It takes so much mental energy to "hide" things from family and friends, and also to keep my feelings under some sort of control in front of Jon.
Jon, he is the mainstay of my life and I'm so glad we met and fell in love, the only sadness there is, is that I haven't had the time in my life with him that I would have liked. Meeting Jon has been a blessing, to be able to share everything, thoughts, feelings, sad times and good times...there have been so many good times filled with fun and laughter. Whatever time we have left, however that time is to be spent, I am truly grateful and consider myself to be lucky to have known, true complete love and contentment.
As a man he is everything I have ever wanted, I feel safe with him and so loved....if there is anything that has caused me to stumble in life, then Jon has been right there, ready to pick me up and get me sorted to carry on. I respect him deeply, I rely on him completely, and I am honoured to have become his wife.
From the first, he has made me happy, made me laugh so much, he has laughed at me and with me and taught me not to take myself too seriously, which I did have a tendency to do. I could go on and on telling you how much he has brought to my life, but the main thing he has brought, is complete love and stability.
The sad thing is, we wont (barring miracles) have as much time as we would like together, in an ideal world I would like to have become a really old lady with my really old Jon, there by my side.
To be more positive, we have what we have and we will rest easy in each other's love and company, and reach out for the happiness that is in the here and now.
I met Jon "online" and at first I thought it would go nowhere, how wrong could I be? So to all you doubters out there, sometimes the internet can be all the introduction you need to find happiness.
I find that my mood changes from hour to hour these days, one minute I can be happy then something triggers a thought that it could all too soon be gone. A song, an old memory, a photo, even something totally unrelated to me and Jon, and there I go, turned into a blubbering wreck!
I can't tell you how tiring all these feelings can be, I have given up work for the time being, to look after Jon, but I really don't think I would have the energy to go to work right now. I did miss the humdrum days of work in the beginning, but I know I have made the right decision. I will not let a second be wasted on other things in life, if it takes time away from Jon and me. Other people may have chosen a different way to do things, but this is right for us, and that is all that matters.
I don't have the disposable income I used to have, can't pop out and just buy what I want anymore, but that means little to me now...some things are far more important in life.
We are soon to be off for a short break before the treatment starts, a time to relax and enjoy being away from it all. We wont do a lot, we will just enjoy being together and making memories.
My daughter Donna is coming along with us to enjoy the break as well, so I envisage a shopping spree may be on the agenda lol
So, for the time being that is all I have to say.....will be back when treatment is under way.
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